Former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer bid $2 billion to buy the Los Angeles Clippers last Friday. League owners must provide consent before the sale is finalized, but there have already been some remarkable events playing out in the aftermath of the move.
- Microsoft discontinues stealing mere portions of Apple’s product line, begins process of changing company name to Micrapple. The Microsoft Cloud—an egregious rip-off—doubles as a hurricane, thanks to a deal with the ionospheric High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, funded by the United States Air Force. The tropical cyclone is instructed to head directly for Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino. Windows zealots remain unwavering in their commitment to overthrow the dark lord. Entire continents begin to tremble.
- Steve Ballmer spontaneously combusts in the middle of his introductory press conference as new Clippers owner.
- Oprah Winfrey, David Geffen, and Larry Ellison boycott the NBA Playoffs, despite their only being two weeks remaining. The trio: a black woman, a gay man, and…another man, reiterates importance of bestowing optimal karmic nightmare unto Sterling. Winfrey puts her own network on the annual Oprah’s Favorite Things 2014 Edition. Stock skyrockets. Winfrey begins to assemble the Republic of O, a sizeable army that is stored in a top-secret hideout—Harpo Studios.
- Meryl Streep begins writing acceptance speech, figures she’ll need it soon anyway.
- Donald Sterling begins rummaging through Buzzfeed archives for article titled “Whitest Country on Earth.” Begins preparing to move there.
- Sterling moves there. Realizes the location is Antarctica. Freezes to death.
- ESPN’s Ramona Shelburne, who broke the story, is taken hostage by Compton rapper YG. The artist remains steadfast in his inability to understand how bargaining chips work, continues to mutter, “It’s all about Bompton, son,” in his Cali hideout.
— YG (@YG) April 29, 2014
- Shelly Sterling’s comments, “We have worked for 33 years to build the Clippers into a premier NBA franchise. I am confident that Steve will take the team to new levels of success,” are deciphered to actually mean, “I’m pocketing this dough and heading out on the next Mars One mission.”
- Area 51 is quarantined as a preventative measure.
- Ballmer, who failed to purchase the Sacramento Kings in 2013—a deal that would’ve moved the franchise to Seattle—reaffirms resolve to jettison the Clippers to the Pacific Northwest. Construction begins on Broad Street, and the court is erected around a stipulation that the Space Needle will be situated at center court. Ballmer beams from behind his prescription sunglasses, unwraps plan to turn opening tips into opening 605-foot drops…you know, from the top of the Needle.
- Upon learning results of client’s neurological evaluation, Max Belcher—Donald Sterling’s lawyer—runs for county treasurer. Loses to Phil Davidson.
- NBA Commissioner Adam Silver petitions to change his name to Adam Silver-Nitrate on account of him killing the bacteria formerly known as Donald. Chuckles alone in office whilst cleaning his glasses with the finest of cloth. Claims to understand ions, but really only understands isotopes.
- Shelly Sterling changes her Twitter bio to read “sole trustee:) of Los Angeles Clippe.” Runs out of characters. Deletes Twitter.
- Hedo Turkoglu requests a raise…*crickets*
- Matt Barnes throws his name into the hat for next season’s Dancing With the Stars. Tom Bergeron sets it on fire moments later.
- Ballmer’s conversation with Clips head coach Doc Rivers about potentially swapping all murals of Blake Griffin in Staples Center for frescoes of Nordic Deities goes as expected.
- Large amount of Nordic artwork makes its way to Craigslist.
- Donald Sterling pays $2.5 million fine and subsequently Snapchats video of him wiping his buttocks with an additional $1 billion; 30-second clip goes viral in fractions of a second—nay, fractions of fractions of a second. Space-time continuum breaks down.
- Ballmer’s inclusivity paradigm is thwarted by his first team dinner with Glen ‘Big Baby’ Davis at a neighboring Denny’s. Owner-operator Frank Flapjacks vows never to serve athletes again.
- J.J. Reddick writes a compassionate and drawn-out letter to upper management reading: Could we, maybe…um, I don’t know…perhaps bring back the Harlem Jiggle or that new Pitcow track [Timber] for next season’s warm-ups?” Waits by his mailbox for a letter that will never arrive.
- Jared Dudley remains a self-contained pep rally. Prays for increase in minutes in 2014-15.
- Bill Gates teams up with Ballmer to create a line of surrogate robots. Danny Granger stares puzzled as fourteen versions of his left leg are unveiled. No explanation is given.
- Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones sees Clippers sell for a shade under triple its value according to Forbes—notes the market is fruitful—sells franchise for $600 trillion. Every NBA owner attempts to sell team in succeeding weeks.
- Donald Sterling requests NBA to define “life” in regards to “banished for life” clause.