EMAIL THEATER WITH DIRK AND MONTA

monta and dirk

Below we have the most accurate portrayal of what emails between professional basketball players look like in real life.  The strategy is simple. Two of our writers lock themselves in a room for 48 hours with no food, drink or outside interaction. They are only allowed to watch tape of player interviews on loop. Then our writers imagine what it would be like to be these players in real life. Finally, we make them send emails to each other, acting is if they ARE these players. It’s all improvised and VERY accurate.

Today we have Andy diving into the familiar role of Monta Ellis and Jason playing the legendary, Dirk Nowitzki.  Enjoy!

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MontaHaveTheBall@hotmail.com (1:23 p.m.)

HEY MAN DID YOU GET THOSE VIDEOS I SENT YOU? SOME COOL STUFF I THINK WE SHOULD TRY THIS SEASON

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DirkEmailAddress@gmail.com (2:08 p.m.)

Monta,

Uh. Someone threw a brick through my front door yesterday. When I checked it out, I found the movie Inception and three identical copies of Rango left in a black trash bag on my doorstep. Was that you?? I almost called the cops, dude!

-Dirk

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MontaHaveTheBall@hotmail.com (2:10 p.m.)

PICTURE IT, 3 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, 1-PT GAME, YOU’RE BACKING DOWN DWIGHT HOWARD. BUT WE INCEPTED DWIGHT. HE’S MAD INCEPTED. DONE DEAL, RIGHT?

RANGO’S JUST A GOOD MOVIE. I THOUGHT YOUR DAUGHTER MIGHT LIKE IT. OR YOU OR WHATEVER.

ACTUALLY COULD I GET TWO OF THOSE BACK

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DirkEmailAddress@gmail.com (2:47 p.m.)

Monta,

I told you a thousand times, you can’t incept someone’s mind in real life.But even if you could, why would we be down by one point if we’ve had the tool of inception the entire game? Shouldn’t we blow out every team we play?

And sorry but I gave one of the Rango movies to my niece and the other to Holger (HUGE Johnny Depp fan). I’d like to keep that third one since you broke my window. That cool?

-Dirk

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MontaHaveTheBall@hotmail.com (2:49 p.m.)

IT’S COOL MAN I’LL JUST HAVE MY AGENT WRITE RANGO INTO MY CONTRACT AFTER YOU DIE OR RETIRE OR WHATEVER. DO YOU THINK COACH WILL LET ME PLAY CENTER AT ALL THIS YEAR? I THINK IT’S NECESSARY FOR MY GROWTH AS A PLAYER. I’D TRY PF BUT I HAVE TOO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU.

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DirkEmailAddress@gmail.com (3:35 p.m.)

Monta,

Thanks? Also, I think Tyson has us covered at center so we’re good there. Have you thought about trying to work on your jump shot at all? I’m not saying you need it or anything. My jump shot got a lot more important as I got older. So yeah, maybe try getting more shots up in practice. In fact, I’m meeting Holger tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. @ the practice gym. You want to join? Holger usually brings donuts and juice.

-Dirk

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MontaHaveTheBall@hotmail.com (3:37 p.m.)

I’LL BE IN THE GYM, BUT I’LL BE DISGUISED AS SOMETHING, LIKE A HOUSEPLANT. IF YOU CAN FIND ME, I’LL SHOOT SOME JUMPERS. IF NOT, I’LL SUCK AT IT FOR THE REST OF MY CAREER JUST TO PUNISH YOU.

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DirkEmailAddress@gmail.com (4:11 p.m.)

Monta,

Uh, so I should be looking for houseplants then?

No. I’m sorry.

Monta, this is so stupid. Coach told me that I should just ‘go with it’ when you ask me to do weird things but I need to draw the line somewhere. I take practice very seriously and you should too. I really think it’s important for us to want to get better but if you want to dress up like a plant instead, be my guest.

-Dirk

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MontaHaveTheBall@hotmail.com (4:13 p.m.)

DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME TO ME, MAN? WHAT IF THERE’S 3 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, 1-PT GAME, AND YOU GO TO MAKE A LAYUP BUT DWIGHT HOWARD WAS DISGUISED AS A HOUSEPLANT AND HE JUMPS OUT AND BLOCKS YOUR SHOT? I’M TRYING TO GET YOU PREPARED.

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