Welcome to #DwightWatch2013! – The home for all of your Dwight Howard free agency needs.
We here at Ballerball have just received some very classified information from our sources (Yes, we have those too.) and it appears that a few of the teams that are courting Dwight have put together some scripted pitches for him. We’ve decided that, due to a lack of integrity, we’d share these pitches with you all. Remember, these are classified so be sure to share this with everyone. Enjoy!
“Hey Dwight. I’m Daryl.
Do you like puzzles? No no… not those hard cross-word puzzles. We’re talking about the kinds with shapes and colors called “jigsaw puzzles!” You like those? Awesome!
Hey bud. I’m gonna need you to pay attention please.
Look! I happen to have an almost finished jiggsaw puzzle right here! And it has puppies on it!
Now Dwight, what’s wrong with this puzzle? That’s riiight, it’s missing a piece. Wouldn’t you say this puzzle would be a lot better if it was complete? Yeah, that’s right it would.
What if I told you that I’d give you a cupcake if you finished the puzzle? That’s right! It WOULD be the best puzzle ever!
You see Dwight, the Houston Rockets are a lot like a puzzle missing one piece. We think you are that piece and…
Hey buddy, eyes over here please.
We totally think that you are our missing piece. Isn’t that neat-o? Good! I’m so glad you agree.
No… you wouldn’t get a cupcake, but you could get a championship! Isn’t that cool?
Ok ok ok, we’ll also throw in a cupcake.
So Dwight, do you want to join the Houston Rockets?!
Hi Dwight! I’m Mark. Are you having a good day, big guy? Yeah? Good!
Hey Dwight. Do you like cookies? Oh no… not those cookies with the gross nuts in them. You’re right! Those are yuck!
Hey big guy, why don’t you sit still for a sec. Goooood job!
I’m talking about cookies with chocolate in them. Yeah, chocolate IS good! What if I told you that you could have one cookie right now OR you could have 100 cookies in 10 minutes? What would you say?
I know, a cookie WOULD be nice now, but think about having a HUNDRED if you just were a little patient. Don’t forget that with the hundred cookies, you can have anything you want on them! Sprinkles, whipped cream, more chocolate, or anything else you can think of!
You want ketchup? Really? That sounds a little strange but if that’s what you want, that’s what you get!
The Dallas Mavericks are like the person who has a hundred cookies, but they have to wait to give you them. And we’d be willing to do anything if…
Ok. Eyes up here, big guy. I’m not going to tell you again.
Again, we’d be willing to do anything if you would just join us! You could even pick the players you want to play with in the future.
Whatever you want on your 100 cookies, just like whoever you want on the Dallas Mavericks!
So Dwight, do you want to play with the Dallas Mavericks?!
Dwight! It’s Danny! How’s my favorite center? We’re just going to show you a video now!
So Dwight, do you want to play for the Atlanta Hawks?
Los Angeles’ Pitch
Hey Buddy! It’s Kobe Bryant. Remember me?
Dwight, do you like building forts? You do!!?? So do we!
What if you could go to a place that already had 16 forts built for you to see AND you could build as many forts as you want in the future!?
Dwight. I’m gonna need you to be a big boy and listen.
Yes, the forts can be made of whatever you want! You like making forts out of chairs and sheets? We can totally do that! The sheets can even have planets and stars. No planets and stars? Of coarse! They can totally have jungle animals on them!
Dwight, the Lakers are like…
Ok Dwight. Am I going to have to send you to your room? Last time, bud.
The Lakers are like a team with a lot of forts, only the forts are like championship trophies! Doesn’t that sound cool!?
I don’t know if the trophies have jungle animals on them.
Wait… don’t go! We can uh… put jungle cats stickers on the trophies. Isn’t that cool?! Yes! It IS cool!
So Dwight, do you want to join the Los Angeles Lakers?