Dwight Howard Contract Demands

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Ballerball received leaked demands from Dwight Howard’s contract talks.


  1. A series of commercials like Penny Hardaway’s Lil’ Penny. Kevin Hart or R. Kelly should be the voice of Lil’ Deight.
  2. Skittles – Chinease Skilttles only. They use real sugar and they taste bomb as heck.
  3. A second season of “Clerks: The Animated Series.” Jay and Silent Bob are super LoLz.
  4. All the popcorn I want. All of it, darn it. All of it.
  5. Kosher Meals on team flights.
  6. My own weight trainer.
  7. All the monster cereals mixed together. But no BooBerry. I can’t stress that enough.
  8. A login for HBO Go. My cousin’s login stopped working last week. I need to catch up on “True Blood.”
  9. I get to star in the sequel to “Space Jam.” I always wanted to meet Bugs Bunny. But not Daffy Duck. He seems kinda mean.
  10. My own “Pacific Rim” robot.
  11. Dinner with Kristen Wiig and Will Ferell. I want to make a romantic comedy with them. Will is my coach named Phil and Kristen is the owner of a basketball team (her father just died and left her the team) and they date. But she loves me. It’s called “Love Buss.”
  12. I want Aziz Ansari to move in with me. We would be best friends.
  13. A Playstation 4.
  14. A kitchenaide mixer with the ice cream maker attachment.
  15. Every season of “House” on Blu-Ray.
  16. My own Coke Freestyle machine.
  17. A staged reading of my sequel to “40 Year Old Virgin.”
  18. A razor scooter big enough for me to ride around the arena.
  19. An extended cut of “Episode 2: Attack of the Clones.”
  20. M&M’s where all the “M’s” are replaced with “D’s.”
  21. The day off whenever we play in Los Angeles. I get nervous playing in front of Jack Nicholson and Justin Bieber.
  22. Another season of “Arrested Devolpment.”
  23. Pizza buffet at halftime of home games.
  24. Sundae Bar at all away games.
  25. Taco Bar at home and away games.
  26. Expect more demands as contract negotiations continue.

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