Dion Waiters Asks Who Christopher Columbus Is, Declares Día De La Raza Be Renamed Día De La Dion


Cleveland’s sort of starting shooting guard (it hasn’t happened yet, but is more likely than Mike Miller or Joe Harris getting the nod) Dion Waiters woke up thinking Monday, October 13, 2014 was just another day.

He went through the normal motions: morning jog consisting of 13 steps down the custom whalebone staircase in his million-dollar mansion to the kitchen nook, breakfast of five egg whites (for health) and a healthy serving of French toast (for Dion) and some self-reflection time that dragged on for nearly two hours.

When he got to b.a. Sweetie Candy Company headquarters on Brookpark Road, though, he found only locked doors. Why is this happening to me? thought the self-proclaimed Second Coming. After consulting Instagram, Dion found that Monday was in fact Columbus Day and stores, including the candy store the 22-year-old frequents, were closed. What is a Columbus? thought Dion.

After a quick Wikipedia search, Dion found that “a Columbus” actually refers to Christopher Columbus, a Genoese explorer who, although not solely responsible, was a catalyst in the absolute decimation of an entire populous — something in the neighborhood of 50 million indigenous people.

That’s pretty wack that we celebrate this every year, thought Dion.

The Philly product, being the activist he is, wasn’t about to let the national tradition stand, and proclaimed Día de la Raza be renamed Día de la Dion from “here till whenever.”

Context: Waiters has always been a trendsetter. Earlier this month Waiters claimed: “I think me and Ky (Kyrie Irving) are the best backcourt, young backcourt. That’s all.” Despite only having 72 career starts in the NBA—10 games shy of a complete 82-game regular season worth of experience—Waiters made a Mike Jones-type proclamation and brought some personality back to the league that’s never really been lacking that area.

Trend setting=Waiters.

Christopher Columbus apparently didn’t even discover America, Waiters told his nine housemates — mostly buddies from his college years — later that afternoon. He just got lost and took something that wasn’t his.

In a way, it was as if Waiters comment paralleled his very situation in Cleveland: get drafted by a subpar team, wait for the franchise’s nucleus to improve substantially and waltz into a starting role on account of the team literally not having a shooting guard.

As Waiters reclined his La-Z-Boy, Waiters issued one final change to the newly minted annual celebration: In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue became In 1991, Dion popped out da womb with a chip on his shoulder.

Here’s to what 2015’s installment will bring.

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