3 time NBA All-Star and 2 time Sixth Man of the Year Winner Detlef Schrempf has never heard the song “Detlef Schrempf” by Band of Horses. These are his thoughts on the song. First, after finding out it existed. Then, after actually listening to it.
Yooooooo. Yeeeaaaaaaa. This is about to be the greatest 4 minutes and 28 seconds in the history of music. Better than the whole of Aquemini. I’m calling it. And I LOVE 3 Stacks. That’s how confident I am in this song.
Can’t believe it’s real. Way to go Band of…what is it? Band of Horses? That’s their name? That’s a weird name. Song better not be weird. Surely it’s not. Bound to be funk-tastic. Soulful and packed with all kinds of depth and fun, I’m sure. I need to meet these guys. So cool they named it after me. We’re gonna have a hot one right here, planet earth. Like my man Tom Haverford says, song is gonna be DOPE.
Traaaaaaaaaaaaaash. Why’s everything gotta be so sad all the time with these folk rockers? Good things don’t happen to any of them? The girl’s always gotta be already gone or leaving with these types of guys. Whiny, too. Whine voice to the 9’s from homeboy on this track.
I would never “take a little walk when the worst is to come”. I would ready myself for the oncoming danger and prepare for it like I’m Kevin McCallister and I’ve got Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern coming to my house uninvited. Not just gonna go trot around and cry, Ponies.
Man. Come on. I just google imaged these fellas. Dadgum mistake that was. Now I hate them even more. Everybody has to have a beard these days. It’s so cool to have a beard. I’m too much of an individual, too much of an artist, to be bothered to shave. They wouldn’t let me in Urban Outfitters if I shaved. Oh no. But where would I get my shirts with Native American patterns on them? Get outta here with that. Ladies don’t like the whiskers, man. You wanna be smooth, you keep a smooth lip and a smooth cheek. Take that to the bank. Look at these guys in their “work” shirts and their chambray shirts and their flannels and earth tones. They probably go to super indie coffee shops and talk about how nobody has ever been as good as Neil Young while they hit on girls that wear tights as pants and read Pride and Prejudice. Whatever, at these guys. A whole bunch of whatever.
Eyes can’t look at you any other way
Huh? What does that even mean? You haven’t even told me the way you’re looking at me in the first place, so how can I know what on earth way you’re talking about. And don’t tell me to watch how I treat every living soul. I’ll do whatever I want. I was on Parks and Rec, ok? WHATEVER I WANT. I’ll take orders from God and Mike Schur. That’s it. And last I checked, Pony Tune Makers, you’re not either of those.
Words can do more than harm
Oh, can they? I mean, duh. Big fat revelation that isn’t. Sticks and stones, Ponies. That’s a tale as old as time. Words can harm, and then words can be wonderful and uplifting and beautiful. They can work both ways. We all know that. There is nothing new under the sun, least of all that thought. I guess the Pony Band will be more than harmed if they read this. They’ll be super duper harmed. Garbage they’re putting out. Stupid internet rabbit hole they led me down. Listened to some live version a song of theirs called The Funeral by some MTV chick on YouTube because of them. I can’t get those three minutes back. Girl singing it needs to get the hair out of her eyes. These kids got to learn it’s easier to see with two eyes.
Why’s he keep saying “Ohhhh”? Say a real word, dude. All these bands saying “Ohhhh” all the time. Use your words. I’m looking at you too, Arcade Fire. I don’t care about your Grammy. Why don’t you wake up and write something that isn’t a noise.
The town is gonna talk
I hope they do. PLEASE talk. Talk so I can slap you and them. I’ll slap all of you and tell you to keep my name outta your mouth. You tell us all the people in this fictional, God-forsaken song world you Music Ponies created don’t see things through to the very minimal. Well, this song leads to minimal enjoyment. Bam (Emeril Lagasse voice).
Sometime soon be better than you were
Come on, man. This guy’s stupid. BE A MAN. If ole girl is being silly and leaving and you don’t want her to do that, then ask her to stay. Don’t just say be careful and send her on her way. Fight for something. Clearly you love her. Whatever. Quitters. You’re just a bunch of quitters, Music Ponies. Tell you what. Don’t leave your girl around me, the truest player. For real.
Never name anything after me ever again, Music Ponies. Never ever again.
Can’t believe I wasted my time with this. I’m gonna go call Rik Smits and have him listen to it so we can make fun of it together. Bye.
*This isn’t real. We like both Detlef Schrempf and the song “Detlef Schrempf. We’re not sure why Fake Detlef hated it so much. We think he should take a chill pill.