Dallas Mavericks vs. Los Angeles Clippers: Instant Analysis from Toby Keith

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Occasionally we have celebrities reach out to us that want to give their instant analysis on games they’ve watch.  Last night Toby Keith was one of those celebrities. His analysis does not reflect this blog in any way.   

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Sit down you sons’ of bit**es.  I’ve got so some stuff to say about this game I took in last night. Sadly, I missed Spurs/Thunder so I gotta do the other game.

We got Mavericks. We got Clippers. One legged fades and dunkeeeeeers.

First off, will someone please explain to me how we let a foreigner dominate this basketball game?  One minute I’m polishin’ my shotgun – watchin’ Blake Griffin lasso folks off the block and the next I got a giant German fella on my dad-gum television tellin’ me how took over the game.  I mean, what the hell country are we livin’ in anyhow?  Tall ya what.  If I was Blake Griffin, I’da…  STUCK A BOOT IN HIS ASS.  IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY.  **stands up**  HEY UNCLE SAM….!

Sorry. Where was I?

We got passers. We got runners. Pass through the legs and gunneeeeeers.

Now I love me some point guards.  That one guy, Chris Paul, runs around out there like a pony on prom night.  What a great name too.  Chris Paul.  Like, Chris and Paul.  Two All-American first names.  Gotta love that.  Anyhow, seems like every time he slowed the game down, he’d do a pretty little step back in some idiot’s face and I’d think to myself, “Do that more.”  So that’s my analysis of Chris Paul. “Do that more.” MM-MM-MMM-MM-MMM I LOVE POINT GUARDS.  **stands up**  HEY UNCLE SAM….!

Nope. I won’t give in. Back to it.

We got floaters. We got givers. Wide open J’s and Riveeeeeeeers.

What else?  Right.  I like Monta Ellis. People call him “Have It All” which is great because that’s what this country’s all about.  Clearly this guy’s colors don’t run.  Monta had a productive game at the half and then said screw it. He came out in the third and started chuckin’ all sorts of shots.  I love that stuff. We outta be salutin’ him and his beautiful shot chart.

Monta Shot Chart

He reminds me of me.  Like if I ever see some hippie protester douchebag buyin’ my album, I’d slap it right outta his filthy no-good un-American hands.  I don’t care if it’s beneficial for me, my family, my record label, and my overall image… you stand with the troops or you put that TK album back where you dad-gum found it.  Then I’d go home and have a beer outta my RED SOLO CUP. I FILL YOU UP.  **stands up**  HEY UNCLE…!

No Toby.  No.  Remember, you own the song.  The song does not own you. Now finish this thing.

We got lobbers. We got chuckers. Screen settin’ fools and cutteeeeeers.

Last thing I wanna say is that I like pretty much everything about that Clipper team.  I especially like that name because it reminds me that I need to refill the gun clip in my truck.  But one thing I don’t like is that Matt Barnes fella. The screens that guy sets are more illegal than the fella I got mowin’ my yard.  Why does he choose to be so angry all the time? Tell you what.  Instead of playin’ basketball maybe HE SHOULDA BEEN A COWBOY.  HE SHOULDA LEARNED TO ROPE AND RIDE.  **stands up**

Nope.  I’m not gonna do it.  Even though it’s the most perfect song ever written in the history of anything…. AH WHO AM I KIDDIN’.

HEY UNCLE SAM PUT YOUR NAME AT THE TOP OF HIS LIST AND THE STATUE OF LIBERTY STARTED SHAKIN’ HER FIST AND THE…

Oh I’m done, by the way.  You can leave.  I’ll be doin’ this for a while.

AND THE EAGLE WILL FLY.  MAN, IT’S GONNA BE HELL.  WHEN YOU SEE MOTHER FREEDOM START-A RINGIN’ HER BELL.  AND IT FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IS RAININ’ DOWN ON YOOOOOUUUU.  AAA-BROUGHT TO YOU COURTESY OF THE RED WHITE AND BLUE.  HEY UNCLE SAM PUT YOUR NAME….

**fade out**

1 Comment

  • Reply May 4, 2014

    em0c0wb0y

    haha

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