I know you’re in Milwaukee now but I just wanted you to know that I am still dutifully preparing my daily reports, as you assigned them to me when you publically berated me, demoted me, then generally threw me under the bus this past December PSYCH NO I’M NOT I’M ACTUALLY RUNNING AROUND THE OFFICE SCREAMI NG “DING-DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!” HUZZAH!
As free agency opens, I thought it would be appropriate to evaluate where I see current needs on our roster OH WAIT, NO I DIDN’T THINK THAT BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE ANY F’S ABOUT ANY OF THAT ANY MORE BECAUSE DOC RIVERS CALLED ME LAST WEEK AND HE’S INTERESTED IN HIRING ME AS AN ACTUAL ASSISTANT – YOU KNOW, LIKE ONE THAT ACTUALLY COACHES BASKETBALL, NOT ONE THAT SITS ALONE IN AN OFFICE ALL DAY WATCHING SONS OF ANARCHY ON AMAZON PRIME WHILE SENDING MEANINGLESS, UNREAD REPORTS OUT INTO THE ABYSS. OH AND ALSO, YOU KNOW WHAT DOC RIVERS IS?…HE’S A REAL HEAD COACH WHO COMMANDS THE RESPECT OF HIS PEERS! I USED THOSE ELLIPSES TO REIFNORCE THAT YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THOSE COACHES. I AM ELATED RIGHT NOW I’VE HAD THREE BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE AND NOTHING CAN CONTAIN MY JOY. SOMEBODY KISS MY MOUTH!
Finally, Coach Kidd, while we’ll no longer be working together, I want to wish you good luck NOPE. IF THERE IS ONE THING I DO NOT WISH YOU IT’S GOOD LUCK. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT I DID DO?? I SUBSCRIBED YOU TO RECEIVE TEXT AND EMAIL UPDATES FROM EVERY MAJOR CORPORATE LIST SERVE I COULD FIND. I HOPE YOU LIKE BED BATH & BEYOND LABOR DAY SALES ANNOUNCEMENTS AND THAT THEY DON’T DRIVE YOU ABSOLUTELY INSANE! I AM SO DRUNK RIGHT NOW. I CAN’T STOP CRYING! IT’S SO GOOD TO FEEL THINGS AGAIN!!!
In conclusion, I hope you get in a bar fight with Larry Sanders.
Yours truly (well, when in CAPS),
*Other Coach Frank Reports