Coach Frank Report


Coach Kidd,

I reviewed the tape of our loss to the Pistons on Friday. While the team is clearly executing better than they were last month, there are still some salient issues coming through very clearly in review. For instance, it’s clear that we’re still committing defensive fouls at a treacherously high rate I know you don’t read these. I know this is your sick, insidious little way of reducing me in stature. Rather than the dignity of just firing me, instead you want to bomb out whatever vestiges of pride I have remaining after you verbally undressed me in the most humiliating manner possible in front of a group of respected colleagues and friends.  I will never forgive you for this.

In addition to reducing our foul count, especially in transition, defensive rebounding continues to cost the team important possessions. This is especially true when Brook Lopez is injured or on the bench I was an up-and-coming coaching star once. Don’t forget that. I started my coaching career on a 13 game win streak. Can you believe that? I was 33 and had never even played college basketball. I was seen as a coaching prodigy and the hardest worker in the building. How did you start your coaching career? Oh, that’s right, by serving a two-game DUI suspension! Do you even know how to put game tape on your iPad? That dumbass drink spilling routine was the only thing you have thought of all season, right? I put mayonnaise in your hand lotion. I smile just thinking about you using it. I hope your palms bust out in acne. I hate you.

I also reviewed film on the Sixers in preparation for our 12/16 matchup. It’s obvious on tape that the keys to beating them lie in limiting their ability to push defensive rebounds and disrupting their you know who you remind me of? King Joffrey! You are King Joffrey and you are a bratty little tyrant, and I am your brilliant, tiny little uncle Tyrion, stuck in my quarters writing these worthless reports, humiliated and wasting away my talents. My daughter asked me if it’s true that Jason Kidd called me a motherf*$%er during a timout? Word travels around the kingdom pretty fast. I am crying right now.

Contesting Michael Carter-Williams’s ability to receive deep outlet passes and create transitional offense if I never coach another meaningful minute in my life, it will all be fine so long as I even my score with you.  I will drink from the sweet Gatorade cooler of revenge. That much I can promise.


Lawrence Frank

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