Below are the contents of my weekly report. If you have any questions of course you don’t have any questions you don’t read these, you never did, my existence is completely and utterly meaningless, and no, the million dollars I take home for this sham of a job doesn’t make it any better. Money can’t buy pride and it can’t get me to change out of these sweatpants I’ve been wearing for the last three months. I smell terrible and I used to smell awesome.
I have reviewed our game tape and obviously things continue to look sharper and sharper. In particular, Deron seems to have regained his explosiveness and is attacking how did this happen? How, how, how did this happen!? I ask myself that question 1,000 times each day. The team is 16-7 since January 1, and I refuse to accept the notion that your acumen has had anything to do with it. Have you been harboring some grudge against me since your playing days and this has all been an elaborate long-con to draw me back into your orbit so that you could deliver me with a dramatic, settle-scoring humilation? Was this like one, big, long Red Wedding, and I am your Robb Stark? I have been watching a lot of Game of Thrones recently since I have ample time on my hands because you have robbed me of all purpose and direction. What did I do to you Jason?? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS??
The extra minutes Shaun Livingston has received have significantly helped improved the quality and intelligence of our team defense and has helped facilitate better flow on offense. In situations in which the offense resets in the secondary break the fact that you have rebounded your image eats at every remaining positive fiber of my being. At least when you banished me to this purgatory during a mortifying, curse-laden public tirade, I looked like the casualty of a madman. Now your team is playoff-bound, you’re coaching the first openly gay athlete in major American sports history and have somehow elevated yourself to become the poster boy for tolerance and acceptance, and I’m eating Cheez-Its in unwashed sweatpants, re-watching The Battle of the Blackwater for the 40th time and wondering where it all went wrong. I got the best out of Stephon Marbury and look at me now.