Here is a list of people I am looking at hiring for next season. I need you to approve one of these guys before I tender an offer. I would hate to have another VDN situation. I need you Chris and I want you to be happy.
Pro: 11 Championships. Coached Jordan, Shaq, and Kobe. Wrote a couple books. Played Basketball. Would drive Lakers’ fans insane.
Con: Wants more money per season that I paid for the entire team in 1981. I don’t want to be challenged. I don’t like the cut of his suits or his jib. Totally ignored me at The Staples Center Christmas party last year. Refused to sing Journey with me during karaoke.
Pro: Played in the NBA. Was a Showtime Laker. 2008 Coach of the Year. We drafted him in 1983 and traded him to those gold and purple phonies. Coached you before in New Orleans.
Con: Played in Greece. Sterling’s rule #45 never trust a Greek. He’s tainted goods. His record as a coach is 416-521. That’s not great. But for us that’s not bad.
Coach Ken Carter
Pro: Knows how to reach kids. Did you see how he picked those kids in Richmond up? I am almost positive that everyone’s grades would improve. This Coach Carter fella won’t stand for bad grades or poor attitudes.
Con: I am confused. Is this a real guy? Could we get Samuel L. Jackson for the entire season? If that guy thinks he can come in here and wear a backwards cap he is mistaken. You do not wear your hat backwards. No thank you. You know what? Forget it. This guy is off the list. Who wears a leather hat?
Pro: 3 Super Bowls. 3 time coach of the year. Runs a tight ship. Not a lot of jibber jabber, which I like. Total winner.
Con: Not sure but I think he is some kind of hobo. This is Los Angeles. We dress like stars. Hobo’s smell. Won’t deal with a smelly coach. Is he a hobo? Cause I am more than happy to pay him in baked beans and old top hats. Can we look into this? I know a thing our two about the hobos. Some folks have called me a slumlord. Whatever. I’m Donnie F’n Sterling. This guy better shower.
Coach Ernie Pantusso
Pro: Hilarious on Cheers. Was a good husband and father. Three seasons of top notch multi camera comedy on the best show. Did I ever tell you about how me and Billy Crystal used to party with Sam Malone? That guy has a head of hair, am I right or am I right? Wow! Partied a lot with that Frasier fella too back in the 80’s. One night we wrapped my cherry red Alfa Romeo into the barricade on the PCH. Nearly died that night. Wow! Donnie Sterling used to be a little out of control.
Con: I was just informed that Coach has been dead for almost thirty years. That’s weird I feel like they never really talked about how he died. He was just gone all of a sudden. What about that Woddy fella? I bet he would be a good coach. Someone look into that. I like people from the country.
Take a look at these guys Chris. Let me know who works and who you like. You know? I bet you could coach maybe save me some coin. What do you think of that? What about that brother of yours? What can you tell me about Cliff?