Chris Paul: Joyful Groin Puncher



Hands strike and give flowers and groins may no longer take comfort on an NBA floor.


Upon hearing the news that Oklahoma City Thunder power forward and ESPN Magazine BODY Issue model Serge Ibaka would not be suspended for his punch to the groin of Blake Griffin, but would rather just receive a $25,000 fine, Chris Paul jumped for joy.

“This is great,” said Paul, “Here all along I thought I’d be suspended for at least a game if I ever did anything like that in the league. Now I know they’ll just be taking away a little walking around money.”

He then pumped his fist.

Paul, starting point guard for the Los Angeles Clippers, is no stranger to hits to the groin having first burst onto the nut punching scene in 2005 as a sophomore star at Wake Forest when he deliberately socked North Carolina State leading scorer Julius Hodge in the sack after battling for position in the post.

At the time of the initial incident there had been some bad blood between the two after Paul had said to Hodge, quote, “This Wolfpack ain’t too sweet at all”, unquote. Paul was referring to both the mascot for North Carolina State and the professional wrestling stable nWo, formed when Hulk Hogan first unexpectedly heel turned. Further reports have since surfaced that show Chris Paul had been a big fan of Diamond Dallas Page, which would explain his hatred for The New World Order. Words were exchanged and the situation escalated to this.

Up to this point during his time in the league, Paul has focused on releasing his in game frustration by displaying masterful control of the basketball, leading his team like perhaps no other point guard in the game, hitting massively clutch shots, and dropping dimes like he has holes in his pockets. Now that will change, he says. Now he will go back to how he dealt with adversity in college: smashing testes.

“Between my contract with the Clippers and my money I’ve made through my endorsements with Jordan Brand, I’m really just extremely rich,” said Paul after a shoot around on Tuesday morning, “So it’s wonderful to know that I can start punching dudes in the jewels and receive only financial punishment and not a suspension.”

Paul became noticeably emotional when asked what it means to him to have an opportunity to go back to one of his first loves: hitting a person really hard in the nads because they pissed him off.

Paul looked off beyond the crowd of reporters for a moment. Then he looked down for a bit. He looked up with glassy eyes and his nostrils flared. He started to speak, then stopped. He cleared his throat.

“I’ve missed punching guys in the balls,” said Paul, “So I’m looking forward to swinging on a few guys on Milwaukee tomorrow night should they slap too hard on a reach in. I’m looking at you, J.J.”

The room laughed.

At press time Chris Paul had reportedly already punched both Willie Green and Grant Hill in the balls for being in line ahead of him in the training room.

The Clippers will be in action tonight in Los Angeles against the Milwaukee Bucks at 8:30 PM EST.

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