Chandler Parsons-Parsons

chandler-parsons-houston-rockets

Chandler Parsons sent James Harden — who he calls Bear, apparently — an email after their game against the Clippers last night. 

Yo, Bear. I can’t sleep right now. I’m not trying to talk about the game tonight. That will just make me sad and you mad. We’ll bounce back. I have some news, though. I meant to tell you in person, but everybody was so down after the game I thought it best to hold off. Excited to tell you now, though.

I’m going to change my name to Chandler Parsons-Parsons.

You seeing what MCW has been doing?! Yooooo!!!! It’s crazy out here. Certifiable, even. He finally came back to earth a little tonight, I guess, but those first three games dude was looking like the truth. He’s inspired me, Bear. I’m changing my name. I’m doing it. Finally!

Been giving it some thought for awhile. I just absolutely hate my name. So much. I have the name of that kid in little league that everyone hated because his Dad got him those Tom Emanski instructional videos and he was always trying to tell people how to properly hit the cutoff man. Fred McGriff wasn’t that good. I’m just sick of it.

When Chris Douglas-Roberts first came into the league I was prime to add a hyphen to my name. I was just in high school, but I thought he was awesome at Memphis and had a real future in the league. I was wrong. Dude laid such an egg I had to stay away from it. Remember Memphis’ free throw shooting in those days? It was God awful. Like Heidi Montag’s singing — reminds me, we gotta start watching The Hills again. I got the whole series on DVD. Early era Hills Heidi was so cute. — You feel me.

This guy, though. MCW? Where did this come from? I watched his games at Cuse — I’m big into Rakeem Christmas. Dude’s last name is Christmas! Like the holiday! — and he did not have it like this.

The name change on my end is a subtle one. Feel like it’ll confuse people the least. I’d given some though to Chandler Parsons-Groner and Chandler Pitt-Parsons, but I’ll have to answer more questions than I’d like if I changed it to either of those and if my answer is “Because Brad Pitt’s last name is Pitt”, then I won’t hear the end of it. Parsons-Parsons will look cool as hell on the back of a jersey but it won’t be so long that they have to scrunch the letters together and make a rainbow out of it. I feel confident about this.

Oh, are you still trying to go see Enough Said at some point this week? I’ve heard Gandolfini and Louis-Dreyfus have amazing chemistry. I’m saying, I’d be down to go.

Let me know what you think. About the name thing especially. But also about The Hills and Enough Said. Let’s not let guys get too down about tonight. There are worse things that could’ve happened. Like your best friend telling everyone you have a sex tape and a coke problem. The rest is still unwritten. 

CPP

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