CASTING CALL: NBA PLAYERS AS YOUR FAVORITE STAR WARS CHARACTERS HURRAY!!!!

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With the release of Star Wars: The Force, we’ve decided to do write this incredibly original column in which we compare our beloved NBA players and our beloved Star Wars characters. We’re talking all our favorite legendary characters we grew up idolizing for years and years. Enjoy!


Chris Paul: The Midwife Droid

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Let’s start with the obvious. Both enjoy putting their cup-like hands in and around your crotch.

Beyond that, these two have a knack for taking control of any situation. Whether you’re losing the 3rd quarter or losing the will to live, the presence of either is a sign that everything’s going to be a-ok. Oo-ba.

Kawhi Leonard: Zuckuss

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He’s a killer who has never spoken a single word on screen. Which guy am I talking about? 

A. Kawhi

B. Zuckass

C. Both. (this is the answer) 

Stephen Curry: IG-88

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Oh it’s just a droid, right? WRONG. IT’S A BOUNTY HUNTER AND HE’S COMING TO GET YOU. 

Oh it’s just a pre-teen boy with fuzz on his chin, right? WRONG. IT’S THE BEST PLAYER IN THE NBA RIGHT NOW AND HE’S COMING TO GET YOU. 

Andre Drummond: The Sarlacc Pit

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Come into their lanes and they’ll swallow you whole. Just read what C-3PO said about the Sarlacc years ago:

“In its belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a…thousand years.”

Suspiciously similar to what he said about Drummond last week:

“In his restricted area, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a…thousand years.”

They’re one in the same. You don’t like sand? Too bad. You don’t like shoulder hair? TOO BAD. 

Kevin Durant: The Tonnika Sisters

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You think these people are nice? That’s the front, yo. Nothing but con-artists, pretending to like you while in reality, they just want to kill you on the court and in the cantinas. And yes, Kevin Durant is two people. 

Kobe Bryant: Taun We

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First, they kind of look alike. 

Second, they were both seemingly being utilized for good causes but towards the end, they each wound up playing a dramatic role in the demise of their perspective galaxies. Kobe got paid to play big minutes for the Lakers, which sucked. We can only assume Taun We got paid to coordinate the manufacturing of the clone army, which sucked. They weren’t the people at the tippy top, but they played massive roles in enabling evil to destroy worlds. 

Also, they just really kind of look alike.

kobe yo

James Harden: Viceroy Gunray

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Play some defense, you cowards. Gunray on Naboo is basically Harden in transition defense. 

Russell Westbrook: R5-D4

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True story. If R5-D4’s motivator hadn’t visibly malfunctioned, R2-D2 wouldn’t have been able to relay Princess Leia’s message which ultimately brings balance to everything. Sacrifice yo. 

You know who else does the dirty work to make our heroes shine? Russell Westbrook. He does the heavy lifting. He takes the heat. He visibly malfunctions for the good of everyone else  in the galaxy. Am I saying that Russell and R5 are the real heroes in disguise?
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YES. ALL CAPS IS NECESSARY. RUSSELL IS THE HERO OF THE STORY HE BROUGHT BALANCE TO THE NBA AND THE FORCE.

LeBron James: Shmi Skywalker

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Rumor has it, Shmi was impregnated by midichlorians so that she could give a virgin birth. If that’s true… wow. Like, why did Episode 1 focus an hour on pod-racing instead of what the hell sex with midichlorians is like? Shmi is the champion who birthed the Chosen One with a +20K midichlorian count, who ultimately restored balance to the force. This woman is the real hero. Not Jake Loyd. The crown belongs to Queen Shmi and the smooth-ass midichlorians who impregnated her. 

So what’s the similarity? Is it that LeBron was impregnated by midchlorians like Shmi? 

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No. They’re both just super humble.

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