Breaking News: Kentucky Underclassmen forgo NCAA Championship Game to Declare for 2014 NBA Draft

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When a team is as loaded with talent as the Kentucky Wildcats, it comes as no surprise that many of the team’s players would consider early departures to the NBA. However, what does come as a surprise is that several of the team’s players announced their intentions to do so after the team’s last second victory over Wisconsin in the NCAA Tournament’s semifinals and prior to tonight’s championship game against Connecticut. When asked about the timing of these announcements and whether or not they might be a distraction, a school official commented, “Distraction might be a bit of an understatement.”

When pushed for clarification, the Wildcat representative added, “I’m not sure you guys in the media are grasping what’s happening. It’s not a distraction, nor is it a mutiny. It’s an abandoning of the ship. They’re gone. They’ve left both the school and the team. They won’t be playing tonight. It’s a college tournament, and they’re professionals.”

Reports from within and without the program support these statements. The rapper known as Drake who spent all day at the practice facility commented, “Well, I’m not really a rapper. I’m more of a master motivator. I can motivate over beats or A capella you know. Anyway, what I told these Cats—pun intended always—was that they’re writing a story and that they can choose how it ends, but what’s better than a story with a twist ending. That’s when they realized that there really is more to life than winning or losing. That’s the metaphor. They’re not winners and they’re not losers—they’re that third option, that gettin’ paid option.

Assistant Kentucky coach Rod Strickland voiced his opinion on the matter as one of surprise: “I stayed four years in school and still got paid. This is some bullshit. You know Coach Cal just asked me if I could suit up. I told him I don’t even know the playbook, and I got hamstring issues.”

And yet, while the Wildcats are facing depth issues for tonight’s game—all nine freshmen and two sophomores have declared themselves eligible for the NBA draft, effective immediately—the team will now be able to rely on the veteran leadership of the five remaining players on its roster, all of which are upperclassmen.

“Who them?” said Strickland. “They’re terrible. Do you realize how bad a player you have to be at Kentucky to last until your junior or senior year. Let me sound it out for you: TURR-UH-BULL. Shit, Cal doesn’t even know who they are.”

However, the upperclassmen seemed to be the furthest thing from Coach John Calipari’s mind: “All ten underclassmen, huh? Before the tourney even ends? That’s crazy. Both twins? Deron and the other one? I don’t know. You tell me. Anyway, this is unbelievable. Do you realize what this will do for recruiting? This is great news. Heck, I may not even show up for tonight’s game—I’ve got to go out and recruit ten freshmen for next year.”

When asked at what point he would like those ten freshmen to be ready for the NBA, Coach Cal paused dramatically and said, “Well, you know, if they could leave after Midnight Madness, which as you know is before the season even starts, that would be great. What other Coach can turn the top talent into NBA talent in less than a season? It’s not like they’re drafting on potential up there. This does take work.”

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