Breaking: I Just Broke the Record for Longest Column Ever On Ballerball

fireworks

Wow – I can’t believe I’m writing the longest column ever.  I am totally not doing this on purpose.  This is definitely a natural in the flow of things kind of column.

Attention?  What is attention?  I don’t want it.  This is from a pure place.  I totally promise.  I just can’t believe I’m doing this.

Definitely wanna thank God.  Without him – I couldn’t have broken this incredible record.  My father was always there for me too .  He always told me if I believe – then I could do anything.

When I was in 7th grade, there was a kid named Timmy Vulture and Timmy used to always tell me “Hey doofus!  You’ll never write a column more than 3 paragraphs” as he’d throw knives at me.  Totally not making this up.

This is for people like Timmy who gave me crap my whole life.

I looked at my wife this morning and I said “I think I’m gonna do something special today”.  She told me “like do the dishes?”  and I told her…

“Ssssssssssshhhhhh….. baby.”

Then I kissed her.

Later, around mid-morning I was listening to “How Far is Heaven” by Los Lonely Boys and it hit me…

 

I also wanna know…

How far is heaven?

I knew something special was coming.

I’m telling you… this was not pre-planned.  This was totally just an organic thing.  I know people will hate – but that’s what keeps me going.  You know?

What else?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MMMMMMMMMMMM

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

This is just an incredible experience.  Before today – I hadn’t written a blog more than 5 paragraphs.  My roommate told me just now – do you realize you’ve written a lot?  I was like “whoa man… this is special.”

He told me “Stop dude.  You’re an idiot” and I was like “No bro… I’m a warrior.”

I wonder what Kobe is going to say?  He’ll probably want to meet me.

Oh shoot!  And Sports Center.  Hopefully I get to talk to Jonathan Coachman.  Loved him ever since his WWE days.  I’m gonna ask if him and The Rock really have “Beef.”

I’m going to say, “Hey Coach…

Do you SMEEEEEEEEEELLLL  What The Rock is cookin’?”

I bet he’ll get a big kick out of that.

It’s crazy that I’m going to be mentioned among the greats.  I mean – I knew I had the talent… you know?  I knew it was there.

To have me finally reach my potential – that’s just a huge blessing.

I’m just …. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Some kid scored 138 points?  No – this is nothing like that.  This is happening with the flow of the article.  I’m ligit, guys.

I was just planning on writing a piece on the Lakers pick/roll situation and then I looked down and my fingers were still moving.  My ring finger was just ON FIRE!  And my thumb?  The space bar didn’t even stand a chance.

I

Can’t

Believe

How

Much

Scrolling

You

Have

To

Do

To

Read

This

Totally organic writing.  I’m telling you.

I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight.  It’s going to be nuts.

I’ll probably go to Miami and hit up Club LIV with Lil Wayne and Shane Battier.

My cell is totes blowing up right now?  This has been the best day of my life.  What day is it?  November 21st.  Mark that down.

I did this for my children – that I’ll have one day.  I’ll name 1 of them November Gallagher and the other Twenty First Gallagher.  They will be praised forever.  That’s why you do this day-in and day-out.  For you children — and for the less fortunate.

I just try to be a good citizen.

I couldn’t have done this without my fellow writers.  They were totally cool with all of this.  I called them and said “guys – I’m doing this.”

They said “what?” and “I don’t get it.”

Love those guys.  Love you guys too.  I just love – life.

Gosh- my fingers are so tired.  lol.  Do they make finger-ice wraps?  Lulz

They’ll totally have to for me.  You know?

Anyways – I’d like to thank you all.  This is just an unbelievable – totally not preplanned column.  Just a “once in a life time” kind of moment.

Wow

I mean…

Wow

Thank you all!

Goodnight!

No you X out of the tab!

No you!

Hahahaha

Bye!

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