BREAKING: Bank Apologizes For Security Guy’s Late-Shift Mistake – Fines Man Who Complained His Money Was Stolen

Security Guy

Security Guy

America’s Bank has issued an apology for the actions of its employee, Thomas.

Thomas, whose sole purpose at America’s Bank is to watch a security camera and push a red button if anything happens, accidentally didn’t watch the security camera at the end of his shift. This resulted in a thief stealing $250,000 from Mr. Alexander’s safety deposit box.

Americas Bank

“After reviewing the tape, it’s clear that Thomas was watching a ‘Baby Laughing Montage’ on Youtube, instead of watching the security tape, which is the only responsibility he has.”

This is the 3rd time this week that Thomas has dropped the ball at the end of his shift. The other two times he was counting the squares on the carpet and texting his friend.

Mr. Alexander, the man whose money was stolen, had this to say:

“I think it’s getting a little ridiculous. Every day the bank is apologizing because this guy can’t watch a camera and push a button. Our money is being stolen.  I don’t like that at all. I hope something gets done to fix this.”

Mr. Alexander

Mr. Alexander

Something was done.

America’s bank has fined Mr. Alexander $25,000 for his criticisms toward the bank.

“Mr. Alexander is being fined for his comments towards the bank, which is doing everything in their power to make sure Thomas follows the rules,” said a spokesperson for America’s Bank.  We haven’t, physically, done anything that makes practical sense, but we are issuing half-hearted statements. We aren’t sure what more people want.”

America’s Bank has admitted that it’s policies towards their employees in late-shift situations are loosely based on the policies held by the National Basketball Association towards its referees in late-game situations.


One reporter asked, “Why are you allowed to criticize your own employee, but those directly effected by the employee’s mistakes… are not?”

America’s Bank responded: “Look.  Have you ever had a girlfriend that said her outfit looked silly? And when you agreed, she was mad at you for the rest of the night? It’s like that. Only America’s Bank can criticize America’s Bank.”

After the press conference, America’s Bank took suggestions on how the bank could help improve on their mistakes. The suggestions included: “Make the camera monitor bigger” –  “Make the red button bigger” – and ”Fire Thomas.”

America’s bank called all of the suggestions “impossible.”

This is the 2,521st time, since Thomas was hired, that America’s Bank has apologized for him.  They are looking forward to having Thomas work his usual night shift tomorrow.

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