Ballerball Mock Draft Mega Mock 3.1/2 The Backslash Final Edition – Top Ten Picks

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After four months, 4,000 phone calls, 20,000 texts, and just two violated restraining orders, we have squeezed every last ounce of juice we can out of our sources. With the main event now mere hours away, we bring you our final Ballerball Mock Draft Mega Mock 3.1 Dash 2 The Backslash Final Edition Hyphen Top Ten Picks.

 

  1. Cleveland Cavaliers – Andrew Wiggins, SG, Kansas: From what I’m hearing, the Cavs organization has been in complete disarray since the news of the stress fracture in Joel Embiid’s foot broke last week. Apparently, push came to shove yesterday when a member of the team’s front office made a crack about the extra pounds Duke forward Jabari Parker was packing when he came to Cleveland to work out last Friday, setting off owner Dan Gilbert, who is reportedly very sensitive to weight issues, himself having been a chubby kid. Now, my source tells me that the front office has been totally cut out of the selection process, and that the Draft War Room will be run by an up-and-coming Quicken Loans HR executive named Todd. While my sources don’t have much background on where Todd’s head is going into tonight, unless he favors Parker, my guess is he goes with Wiggins, unless he goes with someone else. For now, Wiggins is the guy.
  2. Milwaukee Bucks – Jabari Parker, F, Duke: For various reasons – its proximity to his hometown (Chicago), the opportunity to pair with Giannis Antetokounmpo, the fact that it’s not the Cavs – Jabari has made clear his preference to land in Milwaukee tonight. And, as the old saying goes, Wait did you say you want to play for the Bucks? He’s the natural pick here.
  3. Philadelphia 76ers – Dante Exum, G, Australia: A scout friend of mine (who dressed in a Homer Simpson costume and snuck into a gym in Melbourne where the highly-touted Aussie PG was privately playing 5-on-5 against a smattering of surfers and rugby players) told me that Exum reminded him of a cross between Russell Westbrook and Dajuan Wagner. At first when he told me that, I was like whoa… But then I thought more about it and was like wait, what do those two have in common?  So, make of that what you will.Are you glad you’re reading this?
  4. Orlando Magic –Joel Embiid, C, Kansas: Biggest personal takeaway of this Draft cycle is that I gotta stop forgetting about the Magic. Every day I make 29 phones calls to get a feel for what’s going on and who’s crushin’ on who around the league, and then when I’m done I’m like, I feel like I forgot somebody. Did I forget somebody? But then I’m like, nah, I got ‘em all, and then I turn in for the night. Point being, I have no idea where this pick is going other than basketball oblivion.
  5. Utah Jazz – Marcus Smart, PG, Oklahoma St.: This is another organization torn in different directions: Ownership wants to move up and snag Jabari, the front office wants to sit tight and grab Smart, and the fans want to repeal Obamacare.  While Doug McDermott could somehow end up the compromise pick between all three, I think the front office gets their guy and pairs Smart up with last year’s first rounder, Trey Burke.
  6. Boston Celtrics – Noah Vonleh, PF, Indiana: I’ve been planting recording devices inside sandwiches in the Celtics cafeteria all year and have picked up some juicy tidbits. First of all, don’t let anyone fool you, the lobster roll does not contain real lobster. Second, GM Danny Ainge ranks hand size third on his list of obscure physical characteristics that correlate with successful, rebound-intensive NBA careers.
  7. L.A. Lakers – Aaron Gordon, F, Arizona: According to my sources, GM Mitch Kupchak favors Kentucky’s Julius Randle. Unfortunately for Kupchak, I am told that in March owner Jeanie Buss informed him that his role in this year’s draft process would be more limited, saying, “just take whoever Kobe tells you.” According to his trainer’s cousin I mean my anonymous source, Kobe favors Gordon among the forwards in this year’s draft class.
  8. Sacramento Kings – Elfrid Payton, PG, Louisiana-Lafayette: New Kings owner Vivek Randive wants an organization that is committed to use of advanced statistical analysis at all levels, from basketball operations to marketing and ticket sales. In fact, as a demonstration of this commitment, he has insisted that a computer named Gladys run the Kings’ draft. Gladys apparently loves Payton but it stubborn and refuses to explain her reasoning.
  9. Charlotte Hornets – Doug McDermott, SF, Creighton: With the return to the Hornets name, and last year’s surprise success, Charlotte’s main goal this offseason is to continue to generate local interest and fan support in the franchise. Accordingly, they recently surveyed their season ticket holders, who, when asked what would make attending Hornets games more pleasurable, overwhelmingly answered, “seeing a real, live three-pointer.” Well, Charlotte, meet Doug.
  10. Philadelphia 76ers – Julius Randle, PF, Kentucky: According to my sources, the organization is split on Randle. I am told that some people in the front office are very high on him, others are very low on him, and some are in between. You’re probably wondering, what about that leads you to the conclusion they’ll draft him?, which is totally valid. My point is, you just read me saying three different things while saying nothing at all and you didn’t close this window. I am very powerful, aren’t I?

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