The NBA has a plethora of postseason awards. Each May, the league gives out trophies for MVP, Sixth Man, and Rookie of the Year, no to mention the Shut the Hell Up Cup, which is awarded annually to Dwight Howard. Each of these awards is voted on by different groups within the NBA universe. Because all voters have some measure of bias, the recipients of these awards are subject to scrutiny about whether or not they deserved to win. Case in point: Marc Gasol wins the Defensive Player of the Year yet comes in third among centers in All-Defensive Team voting. Second case in point: Dwight Howard refuses to shut the hell up.
But there is one trophy which is awarded on pure merit alone. The Arena DJ of the Year. The recipient of this trophy ascends above the scrutiny of the blogosphere, Skip Bayless, and the guy who refused to vote for LeBron for MVP. That’s because the ADJoY isn’t chosen by votes. A DJ can only win the title by defeating all comers in the Arena DJ Year-End Tournament. Like the NCAA Tourney (but with better jumpshooting and less charges), the DJ title is decided by a single elimination tournament where team DJ’s face off against one another in a head-to-head battle for in-game entertainment supremacy. Today is the final of that tournament. I’m pleased to introduce our competitors.
Judge: From the San Antonio Spurs, we have DJ Rocktober! DJ Rocktober bested the Suns’ DJ Guerilla and Toronto’s DJ Maple $yrup to reach the final.
And from the Miami Heat we have DJ Heat Wave! DJ Heat wave had to beat out Brooklyn’s MC Cruelty Free and Minnesota’s DJ KAHHHNNNNNN! to get here.
Give it up for our finalists!
The competition will proceed as follows. You will both be given three in-game scenarios. You will be asked to choose what song you would play in that situation to keep your hometown fans pumped up. We’ll choose a winner after each question. First DJ to two wins the Arena DJ of the Year Award. Are you ready? Let’s begin.
Question #1: Your team has just gone on a huge run and the visiting coach calls timeout to stop the onslaught. What song do you play?
DJ Heat Wave: Any time I want the fans in Miami to cheer, I like to remind them who they’re cheering for, so I would go with “The Heat is On” by Glenn Frey. I think it’s a great way to remind everyone in the arena that they’re at a basketball game and not a white jeans convention. Plus, saxophone and the dulcet tones of former Eagle Glenn Frey, remind the older fans in the audience of Miami Vice.
DJ Rocktober: I’m a simple man with simple tastes. I like the classics. So I’d go with “Whoomp There It Is” by Tag Team. You see, I think of the Spurs and I as a tag team. First Timmy, Tony, and the boys go out and do their thing. When they need a break, they tag me in. That’s when I do my best to “show all you folks what it’s all about…’Cause I’m takin’ it back to the old school, cause I’m an old fool who’s so cool.” Afterwards, I look out over the crowd and silently ask, “Can you dig it?” If I’ve done my job, they inevitably respond, “We can dig it.”
Judge: OK those were both great answers. Clearly you are the right men to be in the finals. This was tough, but I’m going to have to give it to…DJ Heat Wave! Coaxing Heat fans to pay attention to the game instead of their smart phones and their club promoters’ twitter accounts is more difficult than getting white people to dance to “Whoomp There It Is.” After all, that song was in Mighty Ducks II.
Question #2: Both teams have come out of the gate cold. The first quarter has ended and the score is tied at 14. You wipe your eyes to make sure you didn’t somehow teleport to a Bobcats-Magic game. Once you realize you’re in the correct arena, what song do you play to keep the crowd interested?
DJ Rocktober: Any time both teams aren’t displaying any talent whatsoever, I like to go to the golden oldie “Rock and Roll Part 2” by Gary Glitter. See, for as catchy as that song is, its performed by the most talentless man in the history of Rock and Roll. I mean come on, the song is only four or five notes, and there are no lyrics whatsoever. Nothing says 29% shooting like Gary Glitter.
DJ Heat Wave: Heat fans aren’t so good with numbers, so I’m not sure they’d really catch on if both teams were playing that badly. To acknowledge their lack of knowledge, I’d go with “Welcome to Miami” by Will Smith. It might be low hanging fruit, but it’s hard for the fans in Miami to grasp any other kind in jeans that tight and heels that high.
Judge: Thank you both for your answers. Unfortunately, we’re going to have to disqualify DJ Heat Wave for his answer to that question. Playing any Will Smith song is an automatic loss, just like leaving the bench during a fight is an automatic suspension. We’re sorry, but congratulations to DJ Rocktober. This battle is now tied heading into the third and final question.
Question #3: An opposing player has just been ejected for the unforgiveable crime of looking Joey Crawford in the eyes. What song do you play as he takes his walk down the tunnel?
DJ Heat Wave: Every time Joey refs a game in Miami, I have this song cued up and ready to go. “Bad Boys” by Inner Circle, the theme song to COPS.
Judge: DJ Heat Wave, I’m noticing there’s a common theme in each of your answers.
DJ Heat Wave: Most Heat fans aren’t really aware that there’s a world outside of Miami. Thus if a song doesn’t say the words “Miami” or “Heat” in it or if the song wasn’t featured prominently in a movie set in Miami, it’s likely no one in the arena has ever heard it. I could branch out and do indie stuff like DJ Toyotothon over there, but you gotta stick with the horses that brought you, right?
Judge: Let’s keep the name calling to a minimum, OK? DJ Rocktober, what’s your answer?
DJ Rocktober: First of all, I’d like to say that DJ Toyotathon was a dear, dear friend of mine. God rest his soul. But in response to the question, I’d have to go with “Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye.” The song really speaks to the soul-
Judge: I’m sorry to interrupt, but those are two truly awful answers. You’re supposed to be professionals, not cheesy strip club DJ’s. I award no points to either of you. We’re moving on to a bonus question. Please try to be original, for once in your lives.
Bonus Question: Russell Westbrook of the Oklahoma City Thunder has just scored four straight baskets heading into a TV timeout. No one on the home team seems to be able to stop him. It’s up to you. What song do you play to get inside his head?
DJ Heat Wave: OK you asked me to branch out, so I’m going with a non-Miami themed song. The source of Russ’ power isn’t the chip on his shoulder. It’s his crazy fashion style. I’d call him out with “Cheap Sunglasses” by ZZ Top. I mean, those glasses don’t even have lenses. He’d go blind if he went outside in Miami during the day. I’m sure he would know right away that the song was intended for him.
DJ Rocktober: I’d go with “Die Young” by Ke$ha. Everyone knows that song is Russ’ jam. He’ll be too busy rocking out and mouthing the words to listen to what Scott Brooks is saying. He’d be distracted, and the Spurs would be able to shut him down.
Judge: Well thank you both for bringing it like the pros we know you are on that one. I loved both your answers, but one of you was not quite as good as the other. So I must say congratulations to…DJ Heat Wave! You are the NBA’s Arena DJ of the Year!
DJ Rocktober, I’m sorry. While I agree that Ke$ha would definitely distract Russ in the huddle, I’m fairly certain he plays his better when he’s not listening to Scott Brooks. That small oversight cost you the title. But hey, there’s always next year.
Let’s hear it one more time for DJ Heat Wave!
(a Lil Wayne/Gary Glitter mash-up blares over the speaker)