iCarly: Andy, you called! Why did you run off after being up with me on New Year’s?
Andre: Boo, me and JSmoove had some bidness in the ATL. Something spiritual. Something deep.
iCarly: Like you went to MLK’s church and learned about nonviolence?
Andre: That sound tight, but no. JSmoove helped me understand why him be him. That what we do.
iCarly: Sweet, ok!
Andre: First we hit up IKEA. J, he walked me over to the little 300 ft room. He showed me up the shelves, the pull-out bed. It be tiny but nice, like a place where you’d find Ratzilla or something you know like on Discovery?
iCarly: Um…You guys buying furniture?
Andre: Girl, no hold up. Smoove he be like–“Just think…if all that can fit in these little space, think about what can fit in here” and he punched me. He mean me, you get it? He mean me.
iCarly: I get it.
Andre: He said, “Think about it. What can fit in The Andre Drummond?”
So then, he go: “Me, JSmoove, I can hold multitudes.”
I was like, “What? You be a huge ferret litter?”
iCarly: Um…I don’t know…
Andre: Then we start driving downtown, I’m like chill, but he pulls up at this parking garage. I look up and see this giant Coke bottle.
iCarly: You just drank a Coke?
Andre: Naw girl, it’s like this…museum. It’s all Coke. Like Coke ads in Vietnamese. Coke ads froms India. We be tryin these Coke drinks from Italy and South Africa. We were like marauding lions on the crittercam. Just drinking and taking it all in.
iCarly: What was Josh doing?
Andre: J be like “You big like Coke. You gotta be big everywhere. Not just under the hoop. But all over. You are Coke,” he said. “Say it,” he said, “say it…but be soft.”
iCarly: Did you say it?
Andre: Yeah, girl. Like all whisperin. …i…am….coke….i…am….coke. Like I said, deep boo real deep.
iCarly: Then you left? Going to find Mike Will or Gucci Mane?
Andre: He looked me right in the eye and said “One more. Just one more.” He put his finger like over his lips. He lookin like a cheetah about to eat some ostrich meat like on Discovery?
iCarly: Don’t know if I’ve seen it…
Andre: I’ll text it. Anyway, he drive me over to like this place called The Varsity. You know I can eat girl so I’m like alright, alright, this cool.
We walk in and it be berserk, people runnin around, like a freaky kangaroo lost in the hood. I saw that on Animal Planet, ya know?
iCarly: What was happening?
Andre: They were all like behind the counter “What’ll you have??? What’ll you have???”
JSmoove got that manic look on his face, like you know a Megalodon on Shark Week?
iCarly: Honesty, I don’t know.
Andre: He looked straight at the counter lady, and he be wilding! He said, “I’LL HAVE IT ALL! I’LL HAVE IT ALL! THAT’S WHAT I’LL HAVE!”
The whole place be quiet for one sec and then this woman looks right at JSmoove and she say, “Okay, do it.”
And then they start filling up the tray. And another.
One of everything.
All that fast food hamburgers on 10 trays it look ratchet, but it was okay, you know, it was okay.
But JSmoove say real soft in my ear, “Have it all, Big Drum. Have it all. That’s what I do on the court. I look and it say, “What’ll Ya Have, J?” And I say, “I’ll have it all. I’ll Have It All.Threes. Postups. Dunks. Blocks. Shots you’d never dream. Ya feel me?”
I just nodded my head, you know, real slow and smart like some owls on NatGeo.
iCarly: I think I need to go…