“Analytics” More Like BORalytics

cirrus-analytics

Andy (8:30 pm): Look. You don’t need to look at page views to know ESPN is a good site and ballerball is terrible. Just look at the sites. I mean, I couldn’t pick Jason Gallagher out of a lineup if he’d mugged me. 

Jason (8:46 pm): This again… I don’t know how else to say this but you have to stop comparing us to ESPN.com. It’s simple. They get a lot more page views meaning advertisers pay them money to run ads on their site. ESPN uses that money to pay for higher quality stuff and better talent. Ballerball is not ESPN and never will be. So stop it. Forever.  

If you want to help us out, try sharing our stuff across all social platforms or producing daily content. These are the little things that can boost our site analytics and someday… maybe… we’ll get enough page views to attract advertisers. 

Also, quit saying you couldn’t pick me out of a lineup. You know that’s not true. We’re Facebook friends. 

Andy (8:56 pm): Look man, money doesn’t make sites better. Sites that are better get money. I know I’m reading a good site when I’m looking at one and my eyes are like YES. I know when I’m looking at garbage because my browser is open to www.ballerball.com, operated by Jason “Crying Baby” Gallagher. I know we’re facebook friends, I just think all crying babies look alike. 

Jason (9:02 pm): So how do you suggest we “get better?” And don’t say some shit like “you get better by getting better.” Give me tangible step-by-step processes to improve Ballerball. 

Andy (9:04 pm): First you WANT to get better.  Then you need a couple moves, just one or two moves, for posting funny things. Or seven. You know when I was making websites, we couldn’t do all that twitter stuff. If people wanted to comment on our site they had to hand-deliver us letters, and if I didn’t like those letters I punched them in the face. Those were the old days.  If you wanted to tell someone you didn’t like something you had to risk getting punched in the face. Internet sites are too soft these days. And not great, like we were.

Jason (9:12 pm): I honestly have no idea what you’re getting at. Are you wanting to leave Ballerball or something? 

Jason (9:16 pm): Because we can work together on improving the site. I’m open to real suggestions that are better than punching people in the face. 

Andy (9:20 pm): I just don’t understand what you’re talking about with your “page views” and “readership” and “building our brand” and “using social media” and “best practices” and “not calling every person who comments on your pieces a vegetable brained, donkey-reared sycophant” and “writing anything interesting”. If we can’t just be winners, I don’t even know what we’re doing.

Jason (9:30 pm): Andy… how is this a real conversation I’m having? We can’t just purchase a URL and be called ‘winners’ or whatever. You have to do all of the things listed in your sarcastic quotes. 

And “page views” isn’t even that complicated of a concept. It’s math. It’s not even math… it’s just counting – something a toddler knows how to do. For every person that visits our site, we get 1 page view. The more visitors we get, the more page views and so on. Page views are crucial to any website’s success. I can’t believe I just typed that to an adult.

Andy (9:34 pm): You know I never mention ballerball as a good website because it’s not.  Just because it has good material and good writers doesn’t mean it’s a good site. The other day it wasn’t very good. That proves it’s bad. Those ballerball guys are all the same, they’re a bunch of guys who’ve never written before, who didn’t get the girls in high school, something something ringz .

Jason (9:43 pm): For the record, I dated pretty frequently when I was in high school. And I don’t get why that’s even relevant. You do realize that you’re a writer for Ballerball too, right?

Andy (9:46): I’m a diamond surrounded by trash.

Here, I got this from a GOOD website, something called youtube: 

Jason (9:53 pm): So we should be more like YouTube? You know what? I don’t even care anymore because you’re fired. Take care, Andy.

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