An Examination Into NBA Awesomeness: Kyrie Irving

kyrie irving

First, consider this:


This could have easily been three words, a comma, a colon, and a video. But let’s dedicate ourselves and push through with great effort and intensity because Freddie Mercury told us we are the champions and we will not ever tire and Popovich will never have to rest us ever because we are all regulators and we will all mount up.

I know Irving’s hurt now, but it is the season of comfort and joy and stupid snowflake and Santa sweaters and in my perfect world the best players play. So let’s pretend everything is as it should be. Let’s make believe for awhile that this is a world where everyone, namely Irving, is made of the same amount of indestructible and invincible marrow that Bruce Willis, Jason Bourne, and Fran Drescher’s vocal chords are made of. (Puts hands on hips. Looks around. Does that mid thought approval face that looks like a frown. Nods) Pretty nice world.

There’s been a lot of ink spilled over Irving. A whole lot more will be spilled. That’s what happens when you decide to go and be a revelation. The second year point guard came to us from Krzyzewskiville by way of St. Patrick’s in New Jersey, and before that Melbourne, Australia. He is a GodKing fit for Association-wide destruction and worthy of your praises. He eviscerates and he hates you and your ankles and he wants to break them and then take a poop into your skull like he is an irritated Col. Jessup. Jessup felt we had no idea how to defend a nation. Super true if he’s talking about me. In Halo I would always get sniped by my dick friends while I ran around looking for a sword. We also have no idea how to defend Kyrie Irving.

Cleveland is Cleveland which means they are sports pissed and sports scorned forever and always and they needed a savior because the one who was chosen chose to go to the land of milk and honey and Rick Ross. Cue Irving, soaring in on his white, quadricorn steed. Bold and sinewy and ready for whatever, man. 19 years old and without fear.

He’s also without help. That first year there is no Varajao due to injury and towards the end of the year there’s no Kyrie because of a broken right hand. I was at the nosebleeds of the United Center to watch the Cavs play the Bulls in the last game of the 2011-2012 season and Irving didn’t play. Luke Walton was one of the few scoring threats they had. Luke. Walton. Luke “Yea, that’s a Grateful Dead tattoo on my arm and yes, those are LA Gears on my feet. What of it?” Walton. For the first season, Irving was fighting windmills by his lonesome. He was Neo against all those Agents. Even still, he’s named the Rookie of the Year.

He goes to play for USA Basketball in the summer. He doesn’t make the Olympic team, but he HOLDS IT DOWN in the scrimmages against the One Squad. He mixes and shakes and puts people in blenders and goes smoothie mode on all those guys that brought the gold back to the red, white, and blue once more. Jerry Colangelo, El Presidente of Estados  Unidos de America Baloncesto, said he was the one guy on the Twos that could have gone over to the Ones without any problem.

While helping the Ones prepare, he did this.


The gauntlet hath been thrown on the ground. Secondly, what is there to not like about this guy?

He is Uncle Drew. He writes, directs, and stars in those commercials. He’s George Clooney if Clooney played ball. A Renaissance Man fit for these times.

He has help this year. Varajao is back healthy and rebounding like the ball is a bomb that can’t touch the ground. He’s got an exciting new backcourt running mate in Dion Watters. They are young guns trying to tame the Wild Wild East like Emilio Estevez and Lou Diamond Phillips. They’ll grow together over the next decade and, if injuries just chill at the house and don’t come visit, it’ll be really special to watch.

Course, Kyrie’s gotten lucky in some respects. LeBron left and so Cleveland loves Kyrie even harder and the rest of the earth falls in line. He is their savior. He is their new hope. They are a city that deserves something sports good to happen to them, and Kyrie is the symbol that everyone can get behind. People have not knocked him for his lack of durability thus far for that very reason. We’re rooting for him and we want him to succeed. He’s a likable guy with a very likable game. Hence, the Pepsi commercials and analysts praises and people already penciling him in as a potential starter at PG on the 2016 Olympic team.

He’s fun. It’s hard to hate fun.

The guy’s future will make you squint and pull out your sunglasses and throw them on like Laker Bro. We should all look forward to watching, because he is awesome.

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