Amar’e de Leon & the Fountain of Youth

Amare de leon

This post originally appeared at The Lawn Chair Boys blog in 2011 when several NBA players contemplated balling overseas during the Lockout. However, since Amar’e will be suiting up for the Miami Heat this season, he once again finds himself standing on a frontier of sorts, with certain legends made oddly relevant once more. Here is a historical account of his Florida adventures:

The entire voyage Amar’e De Leon’s crew wondered about his background, asking questions about whether he was a commoner or a noble, whether he was a man of faith or just a man of means. Some believed the journey was worth it; some believed it was a waste of time; all of them knew it was result of Amar’e De Leon having nothing else to do, one war done, another not starting. What else does a soldier have to do but to sail in search of something to conquer? That part of Amar’e’s story made sense to the men, even if most of the man’s life was full of blanks.

Storms came. Storms went. Some men questioned whether or not to sail ahead of Columbus’ ship, while others said better to go behind–you know, just in case the earth is flat. When Amar’e De Leon did arrive in the New World, he found it to be very much like the old one–there was nothing to do. He governed, he ruled, he took land, gave it out, but mostly his face just grew old. His skin tightened in some places–the eyes–and loosened in others–his jaw. Wrinkles cracked across his forehead as if it were land in midst of a drought, inspiring him to wander, leaving a note for the Spanish Crown on his governor’s stool:

Sittin’ around and shit makes me feel old. Knee’s fractured. Eyes are blind. Back’s busted. Gone out. Be back later. Hope the Calusa Indians got clubs, maybe some bass will get my heart pumpin’.


PS Gonna bottle that Fountain of Youth like GatoradeVoss Water.

He was never heard from again.

** The years since 2011 have since revealed that when Amar’e wrote Gatorade in his original letter he actually meant Voss Water; hence, the amendment to the original text now captures this ever-changing linguistic pattern.

The research for this historical restoration project was a collaborative effort between Bryan Harvey and Mike Langston. They seek nothing other than the utter and complete truth, or something like it.

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