My Saturday night was spent with a turkey sandwich. There was also some basketball going on. I watched just about every bit of every event the NBA subjected me to and, ultimately, I came away from it feeling like I wanted to run my head into a young Mike Tyson uppercut. There was some fun, though. Like Kyrie Irving. He’s fun. More Kyrie next year please. Make that happen, Adam Silver.
I typed some of my thoughts into the notepad function on my phone as I watched. I also tweeted some of them. If you follow me on Twitter, sorry (@tpisme. That’s my handle. And that’s not a shameless plug. I’m filled with shame over that plug). Some of these will be duplicates, but who are we kidding? You don’t follow me on Twitter. You aren’t even reading this. This sentence doesn’t matter to you at all. It’s pointless. I’m going to eat some Honey Bunches of Oats and hit this copy-paste.
- I would absolutely drive a Kia Optima and feel great about it.
- People that call Robert Horry “Bob” Horry seem a little pretentious.
- Donnie Wahlberg’s alive?
- Shout out to the Fort Gibson Lady Tigers and their District Championship win on Saturday night. Go Grace Parker.
- Reggie Miller celebrating anything evokes in me the same emotion that Cuba Gooding Jr felt when Ice Cube got shot.
- I don’t believe Kevin Harlan when he says he was looking at a different monitor when he called Damien Lillard Russell Westbrook.
- I want do one thing half as good as Kyrie Irving dribbles.
- Grande Papi is a hit.
- Jrue Holiday would be so boring if his name was Drew.
- LeBron and Wade are slowly trying to transform their fashion game to resemble Jimmy Goldstein.
- Flipped over to Hot Tub Time Machine for a bit. Lizzy Caplan looks fantastic.
- While I’m against him singing at an All-Star event, I’m pro Phillip Phillips. He’s streets ahead of Macklemore.
- Kobe’s really hitting his stride on Twitter.
- There’s really not a thing to dislike about Matt Bonner.
- Shouts out to hooded vests.
- Ahmad Rashaad should do more things.
- Reggie Miller’s going to make me not like UCLA.
- I like Fall Out Boy unironically and I won’t apologize for it. I’m also astonishingly white.
- 2 Chainz wishing Michael Jordan a happy birthday is the best thing that has ever happened in All Star Game history.
- Can’t be overstated how much more bearable Kris Humphries is after the new Foot Locker commercial.
- Let’s stop with the sunglasses.
- The dunk contest, as its currently constructed, is the worst part of NBA All-Star Weekend. I’d rather watch Kevin Hart run around and make a fool of himself while Laser from The Kids Are Alright shoots like every basketball playing extra from The Luck of the Irish than watch somebody known by 2% of the NBA fan population miss a dunk 11 times before getting one in.
- Spike Lee looks like he has to poop.
- Nick Cannon couldn’t get Gary Payton to make some noise in a Gary Payton museum.
- At one point during the Shooting Stars Challenge while a team was shooting the half-court shot, Nick Cannon said, “Nice rotation on that one.” He thought that was a good thing to say.
- The Taco Bell in Muskogee, OK all the cops always go to by the Supercuts should be proud because they did a wail of a job sponsoring this night.
- Nick Cannon squeaks. He doesn’t talk.
- It’s baffling to me that in Houston, a hotbed for some of the greatest southern rap in history, the NBA couldn’t get more basketball appropriate performers. You couldn’t get UGK to do Int’l Players Anthem? Come on, League Office. I mean, let Drake sing even. That makes more sense than Ke$ha.
- They should’ve had Hakeem floating above the Toyota Center for all the events tonight.
- Rick Fox hasn’t changed his look since he played that crooked bookie in One Tree Hill. THIS IS A GREAT THING.
- The security guard that says “Go get her” in that Sears connecting flights commercial where the guy and the girl both run into a refrigerator has the best delivery of any line in any commercial ever.
- I’d be perfectly fine becoming Eric Bledsoe for the rest of my life.
- Steve Novak is so happy to be there.
- Mugsy’s looking more and more like his Monstar counterpart.
- Ellie Goulding does not sing, she whispers.
- The shirt Durant wore? I want it to wear when I run at night.
- Dikembe was over the dunk contest before it began.
- I flipped over to Comedy Central during the dunk contest to watch Wedding Crashers because even censored comedies are better than this trash event.
Mind you, this is all from the events Saturday night. The game itself was great. Fun and competitive and great. Also, if you didn’t have a chance to see it, go watch that Chris Webber interview with Bill Russell. One of the best things you’ll ever see.