A Locker Room Visit from Gilbert Arenas


The Washington Wizards are funneling into the visitor’s locker room at the United Center. Each player more excited than the one who entered before him, as the Wizards had beaten the Bulls for a second straight game giving them a 2-0 series advantage over Chicago.

The locker room was a happy place until a peculiar man paid a visit. Below is an exact account of what transpired.


Bradley Beal: What I say?

John Wall: Tell em!

Bradley Beal: What I say?!

Marcin Gortat: F— YEAH!!!

Bradley Beal: We own these dudes! This thing is done!

Nene: Yeah!!!

Marcin Gortat: F— YEAH!!!

John Wall: Come on!  Let’s go out and celebrate!

Trevor Ariza: Yeah!!!

[Just then a shadowy figure in a robe entered the room. That shadowy figure is Gilbert Arenas  and that robe is made out of hundred dollar bills that are held together by safety pins.]

Gilbert Arenas: You’ve won NOTHING.

Bradley Beal: Whoa.  Hey, that’s Gilbert Arenas.

John Wall: Yo! Wuddup Gil?

Gilbert Arenas: I am no longer “Gil” or “Gilbert.” I shall be known as a name I concocted in my head last week.  Hence forth you shall call me… Agent Zero.

Nene: Hah. People have been calling you that for years.

Gilbert Arenas: Have they?

[reveals a sword made of tin foil]

Nene: Uh… Yes?


John Wall: I really don’t think you have.

Gilbert Arenas: Listen, my brothers.

Bradley Beal: Brothers?

Gilbert Arenas: Victory is nigh yet the path is narrow. Use this to your advantage.  Take my good friend Chad, the snow leopard…

Trevor Ariza: You’re friends with a snow leopard named Chad?

Gilbert Arenas: I know all things.

[Waves hand in John Wall’s face]

John Wall: ……. Neat.

Gilbert Arenas: To conclude this time of rebirthing, I’d like to remind you that the night is darkest just before the dusk.

Bradley Beal: I think you mean dawn.

Gilbert Arenas: Dammit, Bradley! Remember your training!

Bradley Beal: I’ve never met you in my life.

[Gilbert is  inches away from Bradley’s face]

Gilbert Arenas: You have the gift, child.

Bradley Beal: …… ok.

Gilbert Arenas: Take heed, my brothers. As you move forward in your quest, know that I am always watching… from above.

[Gilbert climbs on top of a trainer’s table and opens a vent with a screwdriver. He then attempts to hoist himself up through the vent. After twelve minutes of trying and not succeeding, Gilbert quietly exits through the locker room door]

John Wall: Ok… so who wants pizza?

Marcin Gortat: F— YEAH!!!!

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