If you’re reading this, I’m already in jail. Kick Stampy out of the room now. His one task was getting you the letter. He doesn’t need to hear the rest of this. He is controlled by his emotions. He loves me too much. For the good of the cause, we cannot have that. We must be calculating. Cold, even. Drop all feelings at the door save two: the love that you all have for LeBron James and the city of Cleveland.
Forgive me for going all Jerry Maguire on you guys right now, but tonight, our little project, our #TeamLeBron brotherhood, had a very big night. We had been talking of making a statement and that is what we did tonight, gentlemen.
That statement: Come back, LeBron. Come back, please.
Statement made loud. Statement made clear.
Forgive me, I could not tell you of my plans prior to the game. I had to go at this alone. It had to be a surprise. I could afford no screw ups.
The shirt, as I’m sure you now know, bore our mantra: “We Miss You, 2014 Come Back”
I want to address someone directly here. Stones, I know that you in particular have always felt the mantra lacked a certain zing. Well, who’s got zing now, Stones? Wouldn’t it be the dude that’s all over SportsCenter? Wouldn’t it be that dude? So, yea. Point made, I’d say.
LeBron touched me on the head as I was drug off. It was a pat. Gentle and kind and knowing. Almost reassuring. I’m with you, he said with that touch. As if he was letting me know that he couldn’t wait to be back in Cleveland.
I told him I missed him and to come back please. I don’t know that he will, but the seed is now planted.
Stage One of #TeamLeBronCleanCleveland is now complete. I expect you remaining brothers to go through with the Stage Two. As you read this, Stampy should be providing you with gas masks, grey hooded jumpsuits, and black utility boots. There is a van outside. You all know where Luke Walton lives. Go and take him and rid ourselves of his hair.
Ye, I will be back soon. This was necessary. I love you all. Never forget the mission.
Remember, it is not the mission that binds us, nor is it the love we have for each other. Again, there is no place for that. What binds us, brethren, is the love we have for LeBron. Such deep love it is. My body is in this jail, but my spirit roams free. I am with you.
Go now. Take Luke. End the curls.
-James “Scuzzy Vitters” Blair