A Letter From Lawrence Frank to Brian Scalabrine

brian scal
Brian Scalabrine
Assistant Coach, Santa Cruz Warriors
140 Front St
Santa Cruz, CA 95060

 

Dear Brian,

I’m not sure we’ve met formally, though I think I once handed you a loose ball during warmups for a Celtics-Pistons game (but it’s possible that was Matt Bonner; to be perfectly honest, until yesterday I thought you were the same person). Regardless, I wanted to let you know that I can personally sympathize with what you’re going through right now.

I read yesterday (I spend a lot of time on the Internet right now) that you recently got demoted from your position as an Assistant Coach with the Warriors to the same role with their D-League affiliate in Santa Cruz. According to the article, the move was precipitated by “philosophical differences” with Head Coach Mark Jackson. As you probably know, a few months ago, while I was serving as the Nets top assistant, I found myself in a similar personality struggle with my boss, Jason Kidd. Like you, I got demoted: Rather than attending practices or games, I’m now responsible for writing “daily reports” at our team headquarters. I have a cubicle with three-quarter walls.

I’m writing to tell you that while your demotion stings right now, it gets better. Sure, the shock and bruised ego hurts for a spell. And yes, it’s strange and unfamiliar to have the one thing you’ve done nearly every day of your adult life – the core of your identity as a person – suddenly stripped from you. But there are many benefits to this kind of shakeup. For one, oh who am I kidding every moment of my life since December has been worse than the last. I’m a rudderless ship, Brian, adrift in a sea of nothingness, lost in the abyss. I haven’t filed a real report in two months and no one has noticed. I’ve watched 30 episodes of The Good Wife in two weeks. I take dumps just to give myself an afternoon activity. I eat pudding all day. So much pudding. All the flavors. What is my life?

Don’t get me wrong there are definitely perks what am I say there are absolutely no perks. If one more person sympathetically reminds me that at least now I get extra family time, I am going to put a thumbtack through my eye. For your information, my daughters are going through a phase; it involves not talking to their Dad and spending lots of money. Why do offices have so many thumbtacks? There are a totally unnecessary number of thumbtacks around me right now and they are staring me down.

Look at it this way, stop it Lawrence you know very well that there is no other way to look at it! This cubicle is your purgatory, a three-quarter walled chamber of hell!

Brian, I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you have any interest in complex revenge plots, I’ve got two former point guards masquerading as credible head coaches we could set in our targets. Let me know what you think. I am bored and desperate. Let’s put Ex-Lax in their Powerade or something. We can brainstorm more ideas.

 

Eagerly anticipating your reply,

Lawrence Frank

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