A Geological Study of Al Jefferson & the Charlotte Hornets

SHENZHEN, CHINA - OCTOBER 11: Al Jefferson #25 of Charlotte Hornets shoots on during the match between Charlotte Hornets and Los Angeles Clippers  as part of the 2015 NBA Global Games China at Universiade Centre on October 11, 2015 in Shenzhen, China.  (Photo by Zhong Zhi/Getty Images)

Long believed to be dormant, geo-scientists now believe Mount Jefferson is a ticking time bomb. This shift in opinion is a result of recent fracking surveys having revealed the magma plumbing beneath the Time Warner Arena in Charlotte, North Carolina. The emerging picture includes a giant magma chamber, about 2.08 meters tall.

Mount Jefferson is named after Albus Ricardo, a prospector who, while deliberate in his patience, failed to find gold in the many mineshafts he carved into the earth’s crust over a series of many fruitless years.

It now appears that all that cracking of the earth’s crust and hollowing of bedrock caused a series of small earthquakes. If these tremors continue on their particular path, then an eruption of mass proportion could be on the horizon.

Former Charlotte citizen Lance Stephenson spoke on the subject, “Would I want my house in the middle of a lava river? No, I would not want my house in the middle of a lava river. That’s effin’ crazy. I don’t care who the mayor is.”

When BallerBall’s geological staff reached out to Mayor Michael Jordan for comment, he responded by saying, “We’re doing everything.”

Seismologist Kenny Smith explained, “Doing everything is good, but there’s nothing you can do. Lava is hot. Some things in this world are not meant for heat and fire and brimstone apocalypses.”

Still, several mysteries remain about Mount Jefferson. Some seismologists, such as Shaquille O’Neal, believe that no magma chambers exist underneath Charlotte, insisting that even if such a chamber did exist, that it is only “an ordinary thing.” However, even a dismissal form a key expert in the field cannot explain the seismic rumblings and the gathering smoke. Many citizens report having seen either smoke or rain clouds.

If Mount Jefferson is anything like its namesake, then the buildup of heat and pressure will be a slow and steady process. Albus Ricardo first made gold claims in Minnesota and Utah before spending most of his time with a pick and a shovel just east of the Appalachian Mountains. Yet, if the magma chambers take after the man who dug them, then they may be nothing more than dust and bone. Legend has it that old Albus Ricardo died in a cave-in after having dug too long and too deep into the mountainside.

Local Cherokee tell a tale that he dug into the heart of the earth and angered its spirit. They tell a tale of a man who could not escape his own snare and hung himself in the belly of a great grizzly bear. And the smoke rising from the mountain named after Albus Ricardo, sometimes referred to as ‘Big Al’, is nothing more than his breath ascending through the ashen dirt and into the sky.

Regardless, Steve Clifford, a long time geophysicist, is on the record for saying, “I didn’t see any of this coming. I didn’t even know Charlotte had a mountain.”

Bryan Harvey does not tweet about geological studies @LawnChairBoys.

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