5-vs-5: Voss / NBA Wrap-Up Party


Wow. Look how far we’ve come. Seems like just yesterday there was no Voss+NBA content found anywhere on the web. Now there are precisely fourteen Voss related NBA columns that exist on the internet forever. We really changed the game, just like Voss Water changed the game. The goal was to become the most PREMIUM website on the planet… and I think we accomplished that this week. Click here for all of our premiumVoss related NBA material!

Now let’s celebrate with a 5-vs-5… only we’re adding one more person because 6 is more premium than 5.

Chandler Goodman (@SuchaGoodman), Dan Davis (@ATVS_PaulCrew), Andrew Tobolowsky (@andytobo) Josh Spilker (@joshspilker), Jason Gallagher (@jga41agher) and Tyler Parker (@_tkparker).


1. Who is the MVP of the league right now – as in ‘Most Voss Player’?

Goodman: Obviously, this goes back to the age old debate: Is Most Voss Player the player who has been the most Voss night to night this past season, is it the most Voss person on the most Voss team, or is it the person you’d choose to build a Voss team around is you could build a team from scratch? Regardless, the answer is DeMar DeRozan, for obvious reasons.

Davis: LeBron, duh. But can I suggest this award be called Most Voss Perspirator. Because Bron is Voss he sweats the stuff. 

Tobolowski:  I went back and forth on this. I mean how do you distinguish between the high “faux fart” style of the NBA’s jester in chief, Dwight Howard, and the Stanley Kubrick of the NBA, the cinematographer Chris Bosh? But ultimately, it went to Bostrich, since Voss drinkers get what they want.

Spilker: Carmelo. Everything about him screams VOSS. He is a walking VOSS bottle. He wants people lapping him up all the time, but elegantly lapping.

Gallagher: Robert Pera is all Voss so definitely him.

Parker: Honestly, Mitchell McGary is the stand alone frontrunner for Most Voss Player at this point in time and I see no chance of him relinquishing that title anytime in the next twenty years.


2. Which player could use a nice tall glass of Voss Water right now?

Goodman: Kevin Durant

Davis: Joel Embiid. Rejected by Lebron AND Rihanna. Dude needs a drink.

Tobolowski: Blake Griffin. Guy plays chill on TV, but he is mad unchill.

Spilker: Greg Monroe. 

Gallagher: My boy Andrew ‘Tim’ Wiggins. He’s had a rough couple of weeks.

Parker: Honestly, if I’m being real with you, any and all power forward/center types who play in the National Basketball Association who might have to go minor toe to premium toe — more on that later — with Mitchell McScary aka The Michiganderous Madman aka The White Bob Sura aka McMuzzle Loader.


3. What’s more important to hydrate or to premium hydrate?

Goodman: If only we had somewhere to turn for that answer.

Davis: Let me be clear about this: there is no such thing as to merely “hydrate.” You either premium hydrate, or you die. Why do you think Dwyane Wade got old so fast? The answer is that he believed he could merely “hydrate.” Who’s laughing now, Dwyane?

Tobolowski: Uh, c’mon.

Spilker: Premium hydrate. Why would you want to hydrate like a normal person?

Gallagher: I take my hydration like I take my ladies… PREMIUM. Also, shout out to my beautiful and loving wife. *Kisses*

Parker: Honestly, and this is if I’m being truthful, I’d say premium. This has everything to do with the status of Mitchell McGary’s post game, handle, and overall jovial spirit, though. If the man is our Most Voss Player, and he is, then it would stand to reason, due to his premium nature, that it would be much more McPortant — new word, sweep the nation — that a man premium hydrate, rather than just hydrate. We’re not Doug McDermott out here.


4. What’s one change that could make the NBA a more premium/high end league?

Goodman: If teams forbid middle-age Dads from putting the giveaway t-shirts on over their button-downs.

Davis: First of all, NBA waterboys need to get with the program. If you’re gonna serve Voss, act like you deserve to be there. So Tuxedos for them. Secondly, I think Dasani, Evian, Aquafina, Ozarka, Ice Mountain, Smart Water, Fiji, Pellegrino, Perrier, Nestle Pure Life and all those other cheap imitation products should be banned from all NBA premises. Besides, they probably all have GMOs anyway.

Tobolowski: Ascots for all the players, all the time.

Spilker: VOSS water in the showers for the players. And in the toilets. And in their spit. Second thought, VOSS should bottle up the sweat from the players.

Gallagher: First, we hollow out the glass on the backboard; if we have to make the glass thicker than so be it.  Then put some VOSS inside of the backboard. Then, drop some sexy fish in there so the backboard looks like an aquarium… maybe an electric eel too – those are sexy. Finally, all the paint on the fish should be glow in the dark. So fresh.

Parker: Honestly, and this is only if I’m being completely 100 with you, let McGary play all time point guard for all of the teams in the league and their D-League affiliates.  And this is off topic, but I’d also make it to where everyone was allowed to open the game with one joke, on the mic, at Raymond Felton’s expense. Whether they’re playing the Mavericks — or whoever the Mavs try to trade him to halfway through the season — or not.


5. Finish this one-line sales pitch: ‘Voss Premium Atesian Water and the NBA…”

Goodman: Voss Premium Artesian Water and the NBA: Only one site comes up when you Google them together.

Davis: Voss Premium Artesian Water and the NBA: Drinks and Dunks

Tobolowski: Voss Premium Artesian Water and the NBA: Splendiculous

Spilker: VOSS Premium Artesian Water and the NBA: We make millions already, so please give us more of your money.

Gallagher: Voss Premium Artesian Water and the NBA: You’ll Get Some (Again… love you so much, babe. You’re my whole world. *kisses*)

Parker: Get That McPaper.

(Hey, dude, if you could do some sick photoshop thing where McGary is swimming in money, like actual bills, that’d be dope. Put him in some sunglasses — blue blockers, maybe, not Ray Bans, those are tired — and, like, there’s a blunt in his mouth. The words “Too McChill To Ever Spill”, which I feel is, like, a really solid meme and also a hilarious joke.)


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