5-vs-5: The Kings of “Clutch”

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Clutch Cover 3

The second round of the NBA playoffs is underway, featuring some of the most “clutch” performers this league has to offer.  Some new faces, some old, but all totally and completely “CLUTCH!”

This got us thinking, “how would these amazing players react to off the court situations that require “clutch” results?”  Our panel of experts weigh in.

Our experts:  Ryan Weisert (@spectavious), Chandler Goodman (@SuchaGoodman), Tyler Parker (@tpisme), John Sabine (@JSabine214), Mark Colomb (@PoorChoicesHost), and Tim Baltz (@btimothee)  —- We added an extra expert this time because more is more.

Questions by Jason Gallagher (@jgallagher41)

 

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1.  Steph Curry forgets his wife’s b-day and he’s meeting her for dinner in 10 minutes?  What does he do to come up clutch?

Weisert:  Steph hustles to the restaurant to make sure he arrives before his wife. He then convinces all the patrons to sing “Happy Birthday” to her when she arrives (royalties be damned!) Steph doesn’t sing along though; he stands on a table and does his “I’m heating up” shimmy

Parker:  Steph Curry gets to dinner and, upon arrival, shouts “Dude, you’re getting a Dell.” She thinks it’s a computer but out pops Dell Curry, Steph’s father, to give her an autograph. Gift received.

Goodman:  Rolls an ankle and flashes his puppy eyes. No one can stay mad at Steph.

Sabine:  Steph Curry just tweets “Yo Bay Area help me out”. The whole Bay Area stops what they are doing to get flowers, candy, and jewelry for him because they need him. He needs them. They end the night looking over the bay while Steve Perry of Journey sings “Lights”. Curry is en fuego.

Colomb:  Steph struggles through the first two quarters of dinner. But in the third he manages to order her favorite bottle of Barolo, has flowers delivered by one of those dogs from the halftime shows that can walk like people, and cuts her steak up in to little bitty pieces JUST LIKE SHE LIKES. Sadly when the bill comes he has forgotten his wallet so the entire effort was for nothing.

Baltz:  He hits an off-balance, buzzer-beating 3-pointer……in the waiter’s face!!!!!  His wife has to appreciate that!!!!  (The fact that’s all I can come up with probably has something to do with why I’m not married.  Oh well.  GO BULLS.)

 

2.  Nate Robinson is in a long security line at the airport and his flight leaves in 5 minutes.  What does he do to come up clutch?

Weisert:  Nate notices the Guidette at the front of the security line is on the same flight he is. While she removes her leopard shoes, matching belt, and collection of gaudy bling, Nate slides up to the front of the line, unzips her bag, removes her hair dryer and industrial-size bottle of hair spray, climbs inside, and zips the bag back up. The woman is too concerned with the tiny dog in her purse to notice Nate stepping out of her suitcase once they reached their gate.

Parker:  He shows those ahead of him in line, including CTA officials, an Instagram photo he took of Rip Hamilton photoshopped to look like ET. While security is doubled over in laughter he gets through and makes it to his gate on time. #clutch #noregrets #itsrealinthestreets

Goodman:  Uses some of the cash that a hapless lottery team is inevitably going to wildly overpay him with this summer to charter his own flight.

Sabine:  Nate is what Bill Simmons would call  an “irrational confidence guy.” He strips to his underwear, dives head first through the conveyor belt and the entire airport applauds. He reminds everyone he’s making the league minimum. People applaud even more.

Colomb:  Nate looks to his left. Nothing. Looks right sees a women with a pet carrier for her prize shitzu. Nate yells out “Look it’s former secretary of defense Leo Panetta.” In the confusion he dives into the pet carrier and slips right through security.

Baltz:  Uh….he talks non-stop until every airport security employee wants to choke him and eventually just lets him through?  I mean, I’m guessing that’s what happens when he’s on time, too.

 

3. Manu Ginobili is watching TV when suddenly “According to Jim” comes on and he can’t find his remote.  What does he do to come up clutch?

Weisert:  Always one to make the best of a bad situation, Manu manually turns down the volume on his TV and practices some Bad Lip Reading. “You’re right. I’m not nearly as funny as my brother. I often question if we’re actually related. And yes, Courtney Thorne-Smith is stupid hot and waaaaaaayyyyyy out of my league.”

Parker:  He euro steps to the switch on the wall that controls the ceiling fan. He then turns the ceiling fan on high and turns around to face it. When he does he draws a charge on the wind and flops, falling back into the television, breaking it, making it to where he doesn’t have to hear the extremely original sitcom plot points like how much guys need pizza and how much they hate it when their wives want to take them to something stupid like the ballet.

Goodman:  Manu knows that if “According to Jim” is on and he can’t find his remote, it’s simply another chapter of Pop’s plan for him. He used to resist, but he has learned not to question Pop’s wisdom. He grabs a mojito and settles in for some yuck-yucks.

Sabine:  Ginobili has ice in his veins. He whistles and a bat flies through his window. It’s the brother of the bat he killed years ago.  The bat changes the channel to reruns of his favorite show “Perfect Strangers”. Ginobili smiles.

Colomb:  Manu does nothing but thank his lucky Argentinian stars because his favorite show is in fact “According to Jim.” He learned english by watching the films of Jim Belushi. His favorite film of all time is “Mr. Destiny” FACT.

Baltz:  DUH.  HE UNPLUGS THE TV AND WASHES HIS EYES OUT WITH SOAP.

 

4.  Kevin Durant has to pee in a movie that’s almost over.  What does he do to come up clutch?

Weisert:  He calmly gets up and heads to the bathroom. Sure, it’s messed up to walk out of a movie you starred in. But he’d seen all the Thunderstruck dailies plus a rough director’s cut, so he wasn’t really missing anything he hadn’t seen already.

Parker:  He pees in his pants because Kevin Durant is cool and peeing your pants is cool.

Goodman:  According to recent interviews, Kevin Durant is much more likely to go #2.

Sabine:  Kevin Durant is probably sitting next to Scotty Brooks. Kevin looks at Scotty and Scotty tells him one thing and Kevin thinks to himself “Na, I’m the best scorer on earth. I’ll just end up doing what I want and it’ll work out.” He pees in his cup like a hero

Colomb:  Durant looks to his left sees Kevin Martin two rows down. Durant fakes a yawn, whips it out and drains his shot directly into K-Mart’s Extra Large Diet Mello Yellow with Raspberry with NO ONE THE WISER. Durant sits back down and stays all the way through the credits because he respects the hard work and integral role that key grips play in filmmaking.

Baltz:  A true baller would piss in his own mouth.

 

5.  LeBron James is flying his jet-pack when he see’s an asteroid heading straight for earth.  What does he do to come up clutch?

Weisert:  LeBron immediately calls Bruce Willis and Michael Bay, because Robert Duvall and Blair Underwood “ain’t got time for asteroid problems.” Bay agrees to help because it will be, “excellent research for my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-reboot.” Willis declines and confesses that Affleck was the only one who paid attention when the NASA advisor onArmageddon talked about space.

Parker:  He purchases the movie Wall E. Watches it on his Google Glasses. Learns about the culture of alien planets. Then, goes and lives on a new planet called Witnessuto and breeds with the alien locals to form a new super race that will control all the athletics within the galaxy. That super race will one day become the modern day version of the Monstars. Only they won’t have any Shawn Bradley types, they won’t fall victim to hubris, and Charles Barkley’s there but he is dating Madonna again.

Goodman:  I don’t know if you’ve heard (absolutely ad nauseum to mind-numbing effect), but LeBron is actually much bigger than his listed 6’8”, 250lbs. If an asteroid crosses his path, he just puts his shoulder down and draws a whistle for a block.

Sabine:  LeBron and D Wade are together. Just the sight of the asteroid causes Wade to fall to the ground and be taken away in a wheel chair. LeBron smiles and flies straight towards it. They collide and it explodes into 4 MVP trophey-size pieces. Aerosmith plays.  Sun sets.

Colomb:  LeBron James does the only thing he knows how to do. He lands of the giant space rock Bruce Willis style throws down a thunderous Armageddon dunk and diverts the astroid. The astroid splashes down in Lake Erie somehow only destroying Ohio but saving the rest of the shoe buying world. Although hated initially for what he did over time we all come to appreciate his talent and astroid diverting skills. Eventually he is elected President of the WORLD.

Baltz:  He flies to Cleveland and apologizes before Earth is destroyed.

1 Comment

  • Reply May 8, 2013

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