5-vs-5: The Extravagant Game 7 Preview

Game 7


Game 7 is upon us. Tonight, your eyes will do what they were destined to do from the beginning.  Watch. This. Game.

To prepare ourselves, we’ve gathered our experts for the 5-vs-5 Extravagent Game 7 Preview for the ages.  In fact, we added THREE ADDITIONAL EXPERTS to make that a total of EIGHT because… well… it’s game 7 and… it’s awesome.

Our experts: Mark Colomb (@PoorChoicesHost) , Chris Trew (@christrew), Chandler Goodman (@SuchaGoodman), John Sabine (jsabine214), Colt Westbrook (@ColtWestbrook), Ryan Weisert (@Spectavious) , Joseph Nicks (@danielnicks8), and Tyler Parker (TYLERPARKAR)

Expert Questions by: Jason Gallagher (@jgallagher41)




1. How important is Game 7?

Mark Colomb:  How important was your birth? How important is air or water or HBO? How important is it that Anchorman 2 is real and is coming out this year? Yeah. That important.

Chris Trew: Imagine having a spouse and this is the last time you’ll see get to see them for 5 months but there is that period of time where maybe you wife swap and you get to pick a new wife out of all the college wives. Game 7 is important.

Chandler Goodman:  Men have died for more. Men have died for less. Men have died. So I ask you, how important is Game 7? (Answer: I don’t know but I plan to let Skip and Stephen A. inform me for 3 hours tomorrow morning!)

John Sabine: Its tough. But I think this game is pretty important. Maybe more important than game 3. Definitely more important than game 1.

Colt Westbrook:  Game 7 is very important.  It’s potentially going to determine if there is a Game 8.  This is where intangibles come into play.

Ryan Wiesert:  That all depends on whether or not an asteroid is about to collide with Earth in the near future. If yes, an asteroid is coming to kill us all, then that obviously is slightly more important than Game 7. If there is no asteroid, or if the asteroid will serendipitously miss Earth, then Game 7 is the most important thing ever to happen in the world ever.

Joseph Nicks:  I don’t know. I only watch for the Jesse Williams updates.

Tyler Parker:  You know how it was really important for Gus McCray to hang onto people remembering him as a strong man who had fun and lived life to the fullest and did what he wanted, with who he wanted, when he wanted to do it  And you know how he was talking about how there were some things that his vanity wouldn’t abide because how he was seen by everyone really mattered to him and stuff.  In fact, it mattered so much that when it came to losing his leg and being a cripple or just dying, he just chose dying.  It’s kind of like that but with basketball and headbands and legacies and people leaving games too early.


2. Would you call Game 7 a “must win?”

Colomb: Clearly both teams back are against the wall. They are going to leave it all on the court. There is a 100% chance that one of these teams needs to win this game and I will go a step farther and 100% guarantee that one of them will.

Trew: It is only a must win for the Spurs. The Miami’s are gonna be chill no matter what.

Goodman:  Ja. Kyllä. Adalah mungkin. Āmi manē kari. Pllus de vin.That’s “yes” in German, “yes” in Fiddish,  “it is possible” in Indonesian, “I think not” in Belgali, and “more wine” in French. Two out of five nations surveyed. So I ask you, how important is Game 7? (Answer: Yes. What do the Bengali know?)

Sabine: This is a must win for the Spurs. If they don’t win this game they probably will not win the championship.

Westbrook:  I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s a “must win.”  Rest the starters and rotate your bench.  They’re going to need the minutes.  At this point, it’s a team sport.

Weisert:   It’s only a must-win if President Obama is giving out seats on the space shuttle to the winning team. In that case, it’s basically life or death (on account of the asteroid coming to kill us all) which is about as “must win” as it gets outside of games of Monopoly at my house. We had to institute a “no knives” policy back in ’01.

Nicks:  My mom just told me that as long as you try your best there’s no such thing as failure. So I think we’re all winners.

Parker:  No.


3. What do you think the “X-Factor” is in Game 7?

Colomb: Whichever team is playing “Black Skinhead” from the new Kanye record the loudest before the game will WIN THIS GAME. Praise Yeezus, through him all things are possible.

Trew:  X-Pac, Prince Albert and Justin Credible, all working the cheese stand in section 311.

Goodman:  The Heat’s ability to swarm and trap the Spurs’ ball handlers on the pick & roll. That is absolutely, certainly, without doubt THE “X-Factor” in Game 7. Anyone who disagrees is a fool who ought to be voted off the island.

Sabine: What is the X-Factor?? Execution. Offense. Defense. Bounce Passing. No Look Dunks. 360 Layups. Intensity. Clutch. New Miller Lite Bottles. Coaching. Kia Optimas. Blocks. Headbands. Overtime. Speed. Agility. Kobe. Swagger. THOSE ARE THE X FACTORS! I LOVE THIS GAME!

Westbrook:  I’m sure it’s the same in Game 7 as it is on NBC.  I don’t think the show’s identity is conditional on its environment.

Weisert:   Probably the asteroid. I mean which of the six Hall of Fame players will step up the biggest is certainly an x-factor, but whether or not we’ll all be alive on Friday morning trumps that resoundingly.

Nicks:  It’s obviously Lebron’s headband. Bossing in the fourth quarter. Suck on that, Skip.

Parker: This is going to sound arrogant, but I’m going to say me. I’m the X-Factor. Whatever team I choose to root for is absolutely, positively, and without question GOING TO CATCH THAT L.


4. Where do you think the Miami fans went, when they left the game early in Game 6?

Colomb:  The Cracker Barrel on Route 75, have you ever been? They have a ton of fun games for the kids and they give you syrup for your coffee. It’s the best, if you’re ever there ask for Carol she’s a real pistol, you’ll love her.

Trew:  To get in line for the Marlins game, I guess. Or maybe to Dan Marino’s restaurant? I would have left too, actually.

Goodman:  Three of them went to TP Rashard Lewis’ house. The rest went to some overpiced night club.

Sabine: Miami is a basketball town. They love showing up on time and staying the duration of the game. I think that they…wait I think every Miami fan just left reading this sentence.

Westbrook:  Probably an Akon music video.

Weisert:  You know the scene in Armageddon when Bruce Willis’ whole crew goes to the strip club and blows $100,000 in cash? Well Michael Bay threw a similar party after Game 6, and the Miami fans had to leave the game early so they could get to the strip club before their shifts started.

Nicks:  Wait, Miami fans left early in game six? I never saw that. I’m still totally mad the Heat lost though. #HeatrAwesum #Getemnextyear #KingJamezz

Parker:  The buy one get one free sale going on at the DASH over on Washington Ave.


5. Finish the joke.  Dwyane Wade and Manu Ginobili walk into a Game 7 Bar….

Colomb:  The bartender asks “How did you two get here” they both answer “We travelled.” KABOOM!!!!! Good Night and Good Luck.

Trew:  and the bartender says “did you hear that headband joke from Game 6?”. Manu and Wade respond “check, please!”

Goodman:  Manu says to Dwyane, “What do you call a fish with eight eyes?” Dwyane takes an 1800 Tequila shot and looks at Manu as if to say, “I don’t know”. “Fiiiiiiiish….” Manu giggles. Dwyane punches Manu in the face.

Sabine: and the bartender immediately makes an excuse that they are probably injured and are showing great heart by being here even though there is no medical evidence that they are injured. Then they realize that they’re both making at least 16 million dollars this year despite only showing up to one game respectively. They laugh and laugh then take a shot of Petron and tear their ACLs.

Westbrook:  Wade says to the bartender, “Can I get a Mojito?” and Ginobli says, “Yeah, and I’ll have a less-heat-O!

Weisert:   Both players order a shot. To prepare for his, Manu licks some salt off his hand. Dwyane Wade swabs his knee with iodine.

Nicks:  Lolz, at the thought of either of them walking. That requires knees, right?

Parker:  And they both fall down.



BONUS:  Give us a quick “Game 7 preview” in your own words.

Colomb: Triple Overtime. The entire game comes down to Pat Riley and Greg Popovich wrestling a 60 minute “I Quit” match in the middle of the arena. Riley gets Pop in the figure four, blood streaming down his face, he refuse to say those two words. Pop passes out never having given up. Popovich 3:16

Trew:  The San Antonio Spurs are the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The Miami Heat are Miami. Which Will Smith song would you rather listen to for the next 5 months straight? The NBA Finals on TV -Thursday!

Goodman:  For Game 7, you can throw out the record books, stats, computers, game tapes, and collective human knowledge. This game is going to come down to two things and two things only: Wills to Win and Refusals to Lose. According to my count, seven Heat have the Will to Win and Udonis Haslem has two. At the same time, four Spurs Refuse to Lose. The question Game 7 will answer is: Can eight Wills to Win defeat four refusals to lose? What is the ratio of Wills to Win to Refuse to Lose? So I ask you, can it?

Sabine: (Left blank… Probably to meditate for the game tonight) 

Westbrook:  Mike Miller and his alt-rock band, “Seven Kingdoms, Eight Lords…” open up Game 7 with the [rock] National Anthem.

Weisert:  Though basketball is an indoor sport, Game 7 comes down to the weather. If the forecast calls rain with a chance of fiery asteroid, then the Heat will have the advantage and should repeat as Champions. If the asteroid turns out to be a hoax perpetrated by the NSA to throw us all off the stink of PRISM, then clearly Popovich and the Spurs will win the title.


Parker:  We open on a black screen. Some sick, chill tunes start off soft but then the volume gets cranked to 12. Probably something super hardcore like American Baby or the “Saddle up your horses” part of The Great Adventure by Steven Curtis Chapman)

We see a shot of LeBron losing his headband.

Text on the screen reads: WHAT ONCE WAS LOST IS NOW FOUND.

(Slow motion replay of Duncan backing down Bosh and turning over his right shoulder to finish with his left hand off the glass.)

Text on screen reads : BUT WILL OLD DOGS LEARN NEW TRICKS?

(Montage of Danny Green threes and Chris Bosh rebounds and Dwayne Wade whining and Ginobili bricking jumpers and Chris Anderson being an IDIOT and Tony Parker hitting floaters. All this being shown while that song from Gran Torino that Clint Eastwood sang is playing softly in the background)

Text on screen reads : It’s Game 7 of the NBA Finals on ABC. Coming up next. We know. Magic Johnson is a disaster at being an analyst.

That’s what you meant by preview, right?



1 Comment

  • Reply June 20, 2013

    Tim in Surrey

    Best gratuitous Lonesome Dove content ever!

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