5-vs-5: Tanking


Welcome to another important 5-vs-5 where our experts discuss issues that matter, not only to the NBA, but to the world.   Today’s discussion is tanking.  What causes it?  And how do we stop it from destroying the world?

Experts: Chandler Goodman (@SuchAGoodman), Mike Kelly(@mikekellyindeed), John Sabine (@jsabine214), Tyler Parker (@_tkparker) and Jason Gallagher (@jga41agher).


1. Which NBA team appears to be tanking the most?

Goodman:What team is Richard Jefferson on? The Jazz? Ok, then the Jazz. That appears to be the team that is tanking the most.

Kelly: I think every time a team in the East wins, their front office gets upset. Toronto may be tanking at tanking this year? With all the secret tanks and no balance of power in the conference, you’d expect Dennis Rodman to be doing peace missions to Indiana and Miami.

Sabine: This is like a parent trying to pick their least favorite child! So many teams are tanking but with this recent trade I think the Celtics are tanking the most beautifully. In a single season they went from Hall of Famers to 45 draft pics and a couple of sleeved jerseys. They have made tanking an art form, like Costanza trying to get fired from the Yankees.

Parker: The Philadelphia 76ers

Gallagher: Tanking?  What’s that?


2. What’s the oldest trick in the book for teams that are tanking (such as faking injuries)?

Goodman: Trading for Eddy Curry.

Kelly: Writing something in Comic Sans.

Sabine: Drugs? Can we say Drugs? Its Drugs. My answer is Drugs.

Parker: Give Tony Wroten 11 starts.

Gallagher: Just looked it up.  NBA teams trying to lose on purpose?  Yeah, I don’t believe it.


3. What’s the newest trick in the book for teams that are tanking?

Goodman: Trading for Gerald Wallace.

Kelly: Giving a dog a jersey and letting him play. Or trading for Baron Davis, either one of those.

Sabine: The newest trick is trading for Rudy Gay. Your fans think you are going after an athletic offensive weapon but….

Parker: Give James Anderson 20 starts.

Gallagher: Seriously?  It’s obvious that all NBA teams are trying to win as hard as they can.  Tanking would be so embarrassing.  There is no benefit to losing on purpose.  You’re saying teams are trying to NOT make the playoffs?  The playoffs are so fun!  No, I think the NBA is better than that.  It’s “Where Amazing Happens.”  Not tanking.


4. Have you ever tanked in a real life situation? Explain.

Goodman: There was a woman where I caddied when I was a kid who, once she took to a certain caddy, would absolutely insist he permanently take her bag every Tuesday morning. She’d spend the entire four hours telling you about her son, a dweeb who I wanted to punch named Michael. She tipped by buying you lunch (a hot dog and fries – approximately 10% of the cash value of the standard $40 tip other golfers provided). Let’s just say I tanked hard to never become her go-to guy.

Kelly: I took a girl to a Hoobastank concert once. I’m not proud of it and it didn’t work in the long term.

Sabine: My whole life is a tanking. If people expect you to lose at everything and then you actually win one its amazing! My grandfather told me on his deathbed “No one expects anything from a loser…you loser.”

Parker: In college during one group project I purposefully acted like I wasn’t good at PowerPoint to get out of having to make the PowerPoint for a presentation. Thing is, I’m amazing at PowerPoint. I do swoop-in-checkerboard transitions with swoosh sounds and wipes. I’ll play an mp3 while the slide’s up, too. It’ll be current and it’ll be hot and it’ll get people amped for the rest of the presentation. That seemed like a lot of work at the time, though. Better to sandbag (southern for “tanking”) and allow yourself a chance at one of the easy assignments. I wound up getting to do the introduction, an easy speaking gig that amounted to me talking about how good Coca-Cola was at marketing for two minutes. Santa Clause and polar bears, baby. They don’t need Beyonce.

Gallagher: I DO NOT TANK.


5. What’s your solution to tanking?

Goodman: Ban Richard Jefferson.

Kelly: Delusionally believing your team is doing ok! Go Cavs!!

Sabine: Make a it so the ultimate prize is the lottery. The championship is only one night in July but the lottery and draft become a 6 week emphasis where you “Tank or go home”  Now that’s big!

Parker: Get rid of the lottery. All players go into a pool, akin to presents in a game of Yankee Swap, and I’ll just let Michael Scott explain the rest.

Gallagher: My solution to tanking is the same as my solution I have to aliens or…. true love.  Just ignore it because it doesn’t exist!



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