5-vs-5: SWAGGER LIKE US

swag bird

Speed, agility, power, intelligence, and precision are all important aspects to the beautiful game of basketball.  Oh and don’t forget… Swaaaaggggerrrr!  We turn to our NBA Experts to give us the run down on what Swagger is and who’s got it this year.

Experts: Tyler Parker (@_tkparker), Ryan Weisert (@Spectavius), @Jason Gallagher (@jga41agher), John Sabine (@jsabine214), and Chandler Goodman (@SuchAGoodman).

 

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1. Which team has the most Swagger in their starting five.

Parker: The Sacramento Kings. Boogie Cousins has nothing to do with this. I’m giving them this ranking because of Luc Richard Mbah a Moute. He’s swagged out like 90’s Griffey in the home run derby wearing turf J’s and a backwards hat. You could put him on the court with Miles Plumlee, Klay Thompson, and Tyler and Ben Hansborough and they’d still have the most thunderously swaggerous squad on earth. If you consider another team to be more full of swagger than a Luc Richard Mbah a Moute led squad then I seriously question how you’ve been able to stay alive this long, you freaking idiot. I hate you so much.

Weisert:  Indiana Pacers. Paul George is having an MVP-caliber season (+1) and just got seriously paid (+2).  Roy Hibbert is both a seven-foot All Star (+1) and a comedy genius (+3). Lance Stephenson’s nickname as a high school basketball player was Homicide (+6), and he’s not even the swaggiest man on his own team. That honor goes to David West who won’t hesitate to kill you if you cross him (+whatever David West says). Total Swag Score = 967

Gallagher: You know my answer!  Whichever team Nate “The Floodgate” Robinson plays for!  –  (checks to see where he plays) – Ah man!  He plays for Denver?!  Crap, nevermind.  I’ll go with the Heat then, I guess.

Goodman: 1) Miami Heat 2) Houston Rockets 30) Kansas Jayhawks 114) Canton Bulldogs of the D-League  Last) Utah Jazz. (Richard Jefferson is the anti-swag.)

Sabine: It can’t be the Knicks because Bargnani is their starting center. Actually it might be Golden State. Steph, Klay, Iggy, DLee and Andrew Bogut. Australians have mad Swag. Plus the location of the Bay Area. Its like a perfect storm of Swagger.

2.  Which NBA analyst/announcer has the most Swagger?

Parker: Hubie Brown is the only answer to this question and I think less of you as a person if you list anyone other than him. Hubie’s swagger is on a trillion and climbing daily. Now, if Luc Richard Mbah a Moute happened to be an announcer then it’d be him in a landslide but, sadly, we’ll have to wait until his retirement for that to happen. Don’t know why he can’t announce games while he’s playing them. And don’t tell me it can’t be done because I’ve seen those Wired Up segments. It can be done.

Weisert: Chris Webber, no question. Every time he does color commentary for a game, I always imagine he’s simultaneously picking up a woman or group of women using a combination of hand signals and wry smiles. Prove me wrong.

Gallagher: I’m actually leaning towards Ernie Johnson. First off, he goes by E.J. which is mega dope.  Then he’s able to hold his own as the only non-player on the best analyst crew in the biz… all while wearing a bow tie.  That’s swag to infinity.

Goodman: 1) Chris Weber 2) Charles Barkley 30) Brent Barry 114) Tim Legler  Last) Dennis Scott. (Dennis Scott is the anti-swag.)

Sabine: Jalen. This isn’t a bit. He gives the people what they want while he Champagne and Campaigns all while not getting fired.

3. What’s more important to a team, good coaching or Swagger?

Parker: If Luc Richard Mbah a Moute is your coach then coaching is extremely important but if you just have some regular ole Popovich or Rivers then your coach isn’t important at all. I actually think less of you if you have a coach unless that coach is Luc Richard Mbah a Moute. Of course, if you have Luc Richard Mbah a Moute AND a coach, then the presence of Luc Richard Mbah a Moute would cancel out your stupidity for having a coach that’s not Luc Richard Mbah a Moute. Luc Richard Mbah a Moute is key.

Weisert: A good coach knows there are times in every NBA game when they have to stop coaching and just let a player’s swagger take over. That’s why Frank Vogel pulls out his phone and checks his Twitter mentions every time Lance Stephenson catches the ball.

Gallagher: I’m actually all about coaches that bleed swag… aka… Jeff Hornacek.  That’s my opinion, at least for now.  He’s got his guys playing at such a fun/high level so you know there’s swag there.  Plus I hear that he blasts Rick Ross on the loud speaker during practice and draws up plays on a white board made of 100% ivory.

Goodman: Bad coaching + swagger = Vinny Del Negro Clippers. Good coaching – swagger = Scott Skiles Bucks. Um, I’ll take swagger for $600, Alex!

Sabine: Swagger! I mean The Heat have won 2 championships with Erik Spoelstra. Swagger is getting a hair cut in a Miami Barber shop then running around while people run after you to your gated house. Samsung Galaxy!

4. How do you measure SMPG (Swag Moves Per Game)?

Parker: SMPG is directly related to how many minutes Luc Richard Mbah a Moute plays and how many times steps he takes. Say that Mbah a Moute takes somewhere around 5,438 steps per/game. That would be somewhere around 5,438 SMPG. Say you don’t have Luc Richard Mbah a Moute on your team, though. In that instance you would have 0 SMPG. What’s more, you would have no chance for SMPG of any kind. You would be a big loser with a butt for a head.

Weisert: One of the underrated features of the SportVUE camera systems installed in every NBA arena is their ability to measure SMPG. This technology has led to the creation of new stats like Flex After Dunk, Chest Bump Verticality, and GIFability, which is essentially the PER of NBA Swagger.

Gallagher:  PPG + SCBNDPG + PGDPS= SPG  (That’s points per game + Sam Cassel Big Nuts Dance Per Game + Post Game Dick Pics Sent = Swag Moves Per Game)

Goodman: Hollinger’s formula in Memphis is believed to be: Heat check 3s + one finger “shush” motions to opponents/crowd + prolonged eye contact with other team’s best defender / proximity of your performance (in miles) to either Salt Lake City, Milwaukee or Charlotte / 82 = SMPG

Sabine: You measure SMPG by gauging the decibels of the crowd in relation to Top 10 highlights and technicals. Its multiplied if you are wearing a headband or sleeve of some sort.

5. To enhance All Star Weekend, the NBA has decided to include “The Swagger Contest: Presented by Sprite.”  Describe, in detail, how this event works?

Parker: So Luc Richard Mbah a Moute walks to center court with a violet velvet sweatsuit on. He stands there for three hours and nobody says a word. At the end if that time he stands up and “Da Art of Storytellin’ Part 1″ begins to play. He walks up and down each and every row of the arena fielding offers from people begging him to allow them to touch his hand. Whoever he chooses, and it’ll probably be himself, will win The Swagger Contest: Presented by Sprite”, which will then be renamed The Luc Richard Mbah a Moute Contest: Presented by Luc Richard Mbah a Moute’s Dick”.

Weisert:  Each player walks out to his own theme music, like a WWE wrestler, but instead of just a recording, the artist actually shows up and performs. Imagine Lance Stephenson strolling onto the court with a rapping Lil Wayne on his shoulders (+6.7 million). The players then compete in the three competitions: Chase Down Block, Talking Your Way Out of a Tech, and Evening Wear (the players model the latest fashions from their own clothing lines.) Vegas has Russell Westbrook as the early favorite.

Gallagher: It’s a lot like the dunk contest, where you get judged on style and creativity… of your Sam Cassell Big Nuts Dance.   That’s the first round.  The second (and last) round is how you respond via twitter when the league fines you for taking place in this event.

Goodman: JR Smith and Nick Young play one-on-one until Gregg Popovich pulls all his hair out on the sideline

Sabine: The event is the mystery. The winner is the contestant who has too much Swagger to show up. The person who is at the club not doing the event wins. Swag!

 Also if we use the word “Swagger” enough we get free Axe Body Spray for life! Swagger!

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