Forbes recently published an article that listed the most loyal fans in the NBA according to a survey. You’ll never guess who they listed as number 1…
The fans of the Miami Heat!
Stop shouting at your computer. It can’t hear you.
We called upon 5 experts to help us all try to come to grips with this information.
1: True or False. Miami Heat fans are the most loyal fan base in the NBA?
Ryan Weisert: True. Each and every one of them has been clinging to the Heat bandwagon like a shipwrecked rat to a piece of driftwood for the last three years. Like a loyal Marine, they never question the orders of the PA announcer. When they’re told to “Stand Up and Shout”, Heat fans simply ask, “How high?”
Tim Baltz: True. Also, my automobile runs on almond milk. And body hair comes from trees. And LaPhonso Ellis is my grandfather. Oh, and I’d like to change my answer to FALSE
Tyler Parker: Yea. And people are going to actually wear these new Sketchers running shoes
Chris Trew: True. I met a Miami Heat the other day and he’s been a season ticket holder since 1985 and he was there when they drafted Alonzo Mourning. Why would that guy lie to me.
Jason Gallagher: Hahahaha. Stop it.
2: If Miami Heat fans bought out Websters Dictionary, how would they define “Loyal Fan?”
Weisert: A loyal fan bleaches their jeans not just once, but two or three times to get them Miami Heat white. A loyal fan doesn’t steal shine from the players by being in their seats for the starting lineups, tip-off, or the first quarter. A loyal fan rocks their Affliction T-shirt under their officially licensed LeBron jersey to reflect and pay homage to King James’ inner struggle. A loyal fan answers “Bad Boys 2” whenever they are asked a question with the word “movie” in it.
Tim Baltz: Anyone who goes to a tanning salon 5 times a week and/or is addicted to banana-flavored Muscle Milk.
Parker: Someone who is willing to only tan once during the game while also rooting for Team Shakira.
Trew: They would probably have a picture of Rony Seikaly, well known amongst Miami Heat fans as not only the franchise’s first draft pick in the early 70’s, but the current mayor of Miami who’s been instrumental in keeping the Heat in Southern Florida. He also had that wicked dunk on Olajuwon in 1994.
Gallagher: Loving a team until you get a call from Tina saying she’s at the Miami Velvet nightclub causing me to leave in the middle of the 3rd.
3: If you were married and you were as loyal and committed as a Miami Heat fan, what kind of husband would you be?
Weisert: First of all, I’d be a husband who has only been into women for a few years. Second, I’d have a pre-nup with a four year opt-out clause. I’d definitely have been overheard saying “Not two, not three, not four, not five” when asked about the number of strippers for my bachelor party. And I most certainly would have met my wife on The Bachelor and proposed to take my talents to her in a nationally televised event.
Baltz: I’d probably be the kind of guy that knows a lot of local strippers on a first-name basis, and hangs out near the highway at Adult Book Stores that used to be Shoney’s restaurants.
Parker: The type that likes his daughter’s high school friends’ profile pictures at three in the morning.
Trew: I am married.
Gallagher: I’d be a darn good husband. All of my wives would be well taken care of.
4: The people who concluded that the Miami Heat have the best fans in the NBA have also chosen the “#1 Greatest Acting Performance of All Time.” What would you guess is their #1?
Weisert: A three-way tie between Vincent Chase in Queens Boulevard, Vincent Chase inAquaman, and Vincent Chase in Medellin.
Baltz: Jar Jar Binks.
Parker: It’s a tie between Sofia Coppola in the Godfather Part III and Ryan Merriman in The Luck of the Irish. Both incredible performances for their extreme restraint and subtlety.
Trew: Al Pacino, Robert De Niro and Val Kilmer in a big three tie for #1 for their famous mid-90’s thriller film “Orlando”. Juwan Howard is a close second as the most famous featured extra in history.
Gallagher: The entire cast of every Scary Movie film. Bravo.
5: SAT Analogy Question: Miami Heat Fan is to Loyal Fan as…
Weisert: Guy Fieri is to a respected chef.
Baltz: Margarine Popsicle is to A Good Idea.
Parker: Kelly Kapowski is to ugly
Trew: SAT’s are to Analogies.
Gallagher: Popeyes’s Chicken is to A Fine Dining Experience.
*Note to Heat Fans: We’re just jealous we don’t have LeBron.