St. Patrick’s Day Edition of 5-vs-5 – Kiss Me I’m…

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St. Patrick’s Day is just around the corner which means your city streets will be filled with alcoholics wearing these incredibly original “Kiss Me I’m Irish” t-shirts.

In today’s 5-vs-5, we asked ourselves,  “What would NBA players/coaches wear on their clever St. Patrick’s Day t-shirts?”


Participanting Lads:  

Matt Moore: Hardwood Paroxysm (@HPBasketball), Kevin Draper: The Diss (@TheDissNBA) , Ryan Weisert: Valley of the Suns & Ballerball (@spectavious) , Chandler Goodman: Ballerball (@SuchAGoodMan) , Tyler Parker: Ballerball (@TPisMe)

Questions from Jason Gallagher (@jgallagher41)



1. Finish the sentence on Kobe Bryant’s shirt. “Kiss me I’m…

Matt Moore: Going to kill you.” – Bryant’s hyper-competitiveness knows no bounds, including the social conventions of St. Patrick’s Day. I’m pretty sure he’ll have green material actually woven onto his skin to make sure he’s better than everyone else at wearing green, too.

Ryan Weisert: Mortally Wounded.” -In the dying seconds of Wednesday’s game in Atlanta, Kobe crumpled to the floor like there was a sniper in the building. Plus, exaggeration is a big part of the Mamba’s motivational arsenal.

Kevin Draper: The Black Mamba.” – The only snake Saint Patrick couldn’t drive out of Ireland.

Chandler Goodman: Doin’ Work” – Kiss Kobe or don’t. He’s got a career scoring record to break and an 8th seed to win. He doesn’t care.

Tyler Parker: Throwing darts at a cardboard cutout of Dahntay Jones” – Because Kobe loves Kobe’s ankles like humans love air.


2. Finish the sentence on LeBron James’ shirt. “Kiss me I’m…

Moore: Marketing this new “KISS ME” gear from X Designer.” – LeBron’s all about the marketing, you know.

Weisert: Balding.” – Getting kisses on St. Patty’s day is all about sympathy (see “Kiss me I’m Irish”). LeBron literally has nothing other than his hairline to elicit sympathy from another human being.

Draper: The Right Decision.” – Ever since 2010, LeBron James sees everything in terms of “decisions”. Sources close to James have told Ballerball that at his upcoming wedding to fiancee Savannah Brinson, instead of the traditional “I do” she will utter “I’m taking my talents to LeBron”.

Goodman: LeBron James” – What else needs to be said?

Parker: Wishing I was as cool as Tim Riggins.” – This really just has to do with the fact that Riggins has beautiful flowing hair and LeBron doesn’t.


3. Finish the sentence on Greg Popovich’s shirt. “Kiss me I’m…

Moore: In desperate need of positive reinforcement to get me to stop being a jackass to everyone who isn’t my wife or Tim Duncan.”

Weisert: Friends with Tony Parker.” – There’s nothing eminently kissable about Greg Popovich. He never smiles and he tends to get surly when someone, be it a sideline reporter or potential kisser, gets close to him. What else are the French good for if not impressing women?

Draper: Tired of You Talking.” – Pop probably doesn’t want you to kiss him either, but it is infinitely preferable to you asking more innane questions.

Goodman: Half-Serbian” – Serbian on his father’s side, Croatian on his mother’s. Always just the facts with Pop.

Parker: Get this dumb shirt off of me.” – Popovich punched me when I started typing this explanation and told me he’d kill everyone I loved if I continued.


4. Finish the sentence on Russell Westbrook’s shirt. “Kiss me I’m…

Moore: This question is incoherent. Westbrook would jump in front of you and kiss you first to make sure he’s the one doing the kissing.

Weisert: Your mama’s favorite player.” – This guy goaltends well-intentioned mascots. I don’t think bringing your mother into this is beyond him.

Draper: I’m Farsighted. – You see, Westbrook actually has terrible vision, which is why he never passes the ball to Kevin Durant, and why he’s always wearing glasses post-game. Asking for kisses is just an excuse to get people to move their face closer so he can see who they are.

Goodman: In Transition” – You can kiss Russell, but don’t expect him to stick around. The guy was born to run.

Parker: Wearing a Tye-dye shirt with M&M’s glued onto it. Also I hate you.” – He shops where Elton John shops.


5. Finish the sentence on JaVale McGee’s shirt. “Kiss me I’m…

Moore: French.” – Because he’s a weird, weird dude.

Weisert: (The Batman Symbol)” – JaVale is all about alter-egos, and Pierre’s symbol is still being workshopped.

Draper: I’m Irish.” – JaVale actually thinks he’s Irish. JaVale doesn’t know what Irish is.

Goodman: Lost” – JaVale went to set a high screen for Ty Lawson and ended up at a local Irish pub. He just can’t master the nuances of George Karl’s offenses.

Parker: Ignoring Shaq’s stupid questions.” – Because JaVale is a national hero and it’s about time someone eye rolled Shaq to his televised face.

BONUS: Make Up Your Own

Moore: Rudy Gay’s shirt.  “Kiss me I’m going to be taking all your shots from now on.” 

Weisert: Chris Anderson’s shirt.  “Kiss me I’ve got room on my neck for a tattoo of your face.”

Draper: Lamar Odom’s shirt. “Kiss me I’m Sweet-tasting.”

Goodman: Andrew Bogut’s shirt. “Kiss me I’m Out 6-8 Weeks.”

Parker: Eddie House’s shirt.   “Kiss me I’m still doing the big nuts dance.”

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