Shut up. Do you hear that? It’s Part Two of our NBA Christmas 5-vs5 where our experts talk about all things NBA and Christmas. Here is Part One, ICYMI.
1. Which NBA player will be getting a lump of coal this Christmas?
Goodman: Josh Smith will be receiving a lump of coal this Christmas. This shot chart will be the reason why.
Gallagher: Without question, the lump of coal goes to LeBron James. He keeps violently dunking on these lesser beings without any concern for them and their loved ones. How does Paul Millsap live… with himself? How are Ben McLemore’s future kids supposed to look their daddy in the eyes? It’s disgusting what LeBron continues to do to these poor souls.
Trew: The holiday season is all about give-and-take. Given that Damian Lillard has given so much to opposing NBA teams this season it’s only right he does a little taking. Someone has to have this lump of coal, Damian. Take it and shoot it 30 feet away from the basket if you want. We all know it’s going in.
Sabine: Can the whole season get a Lump of Coal? With Rose being injured and the Atlantic division being an actual thing this season hasn’t been the best. I mean look at the Christmas day games. Thunder/Knicks? Heat/Lakers? Bulls/Nets? I’d rather watch Love Actually with my sister than these games.
Parker: Dionte Christmas. I’m not sure what kind of man would take on the name of the most important holiday known to man, then proceed to drop a Miser-level 1.9 PPG, but I do know that’s not a man I want my non-existent children believing in. You don’t exist, Dionte Christmas. No children sings songs of you and there are no cookies by the fireplace.
2. If you got to walk in a Winder Wonderland with any NBA legend, what would you ask them?
Goodman: Does current Cavs broadcaster and 1974 NBA All-Star Austin Carr count as an NBA legend? He doesn’t? Ok, well, then I’ll need to think about this one a little longer.
Gallagher: I’d ask Nick Van Exel the secret to being able to lure a woman using only a shimmy.
Trew: I’m all about balance. If I were walking in a Winter Wonderland I would want someone there to keep all of that damn joy in check. My choice here is Charles Barkley and I would ask him what kind of craft service he experienced on set for Right Guard commercials.
Sabine: I would walk with Dr J and get him to tell me ABA stories. And by ABA stories I mean adult stories.
Parker: I’d ask Suns LEGEND Tom Chambers how to best show the world that Dionte Christmas is a fraud. Then I’d ask him what he means by, “Let him get in my way on the break.”
3. Which NBA player wouldn’t you touch with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole?
Goodman: Reggie Evans. Reggie Evans scares me.
Gallagher: Matt Barnes. Because heaven forbid you touch, stand next to, or even look at Matt barnes before he gets upset, throws a tantrum like a real tough guy and starts saying things about my mother.
Trew: If I owned a pole that long I would want to keep it so that I can do things like change channels from any corner in my 40×40 foot room. Therefore, I’m not touching Gary Payton. It’s mine, Gary. You can’t have it.
Sabine: Steve Blake. I don’t what is it. I just hate that dude. Steve Effing Blake.
Parker: Dionte “Ghost of” Christmas “Past”. Christmas isn’t even real. He was created by Jim Boeheim as a way to sell Syracuse jerseys.
4. Frosty is an NBA player of your choice. Fill in the blanks to create his song:
____ the professional basketball playing snowman, was a ____ ____ soul. With a ____ _____ and a ____ ____ and ____ ____ made out of ____.
Goodman: Eddy Curry the professional basketball playing snowman, was a very gentle soul. With a heavy pair of feet and a questionable conditioning routine and long-term Knicks contract made out of gold.
Gallagher: Glen Davis the professional basketball playing snow man, was a very angry soul. With a dude chill out, and a take it easy and dude what did that keyboard ever do to yoooou.
Trew: Dell Curry the professional basketball playing snowman was a purple & teal soul. With a new re-brand and a halftime show and a bobcat made of horns. (Swish!)
Sabine: Dirk the professional basketball playing snowman, was a German and Clutch soul. With a Step back J and a Tongue and stroke made out of gold.
Parker: Dionte Christmas the professional basketball playing snowman, was a very pathetic soul. With a dead-faced smile and real ugly clothes and a two eyes made out of already chewed Skoal.
5. Any last NBA related Christmas thoughts?
Goodman: I wish the Cavs could have a do-over on this season. Also, happy holidays!
Gallagher: New Tradition- I’m gonna make my kids believe in Monta Claus and leave cookies out with “ALL” written in frosting. This will reassure my children that Monta does in fact have it all and they shall fear and love him. They will pass this tradition on to their children and their children’s children and so on. Merry Christmas.
Trew: Christmas challenge for all of the readers out there: There’s 12 hours of basketball scheduled for December 25th. There’s 24 hours in a day. Find a way to watch basketball for 25. Good luck!
Sabine: Christmas is a time for reflection. Lets all reflect that 32 wins might win the Atlantic Division this year. Happy Holidays!
Parker: Dionte Christmas thinks Nebraska is a profound movie and he once told me he didn’t really “get” Willie Nelson. He also thinks your dog is stupid.
Have a great holiday!