We turn to our experts to answer the most important questions regarding the NBA.
Contender or Pretender or Avenger?
1) The Memphis Grizzlies
Jason Gallagher – Contender: They love using words like “Grit”, “Grind”, “Grill”, and other “Grrrr” sounding words to describe themselves. One word that Memphis should adopt is “Grrrateful”… that Russell Westbrook went down, causing OKC to utterly and completely fall apart which has paved the way for Memphis to become true CONTENDERS.
Colt Westbrook – Pretender: No doubt that Memphis is playing strong basketball right now, but they’re playing it against the team who lost a key all-star from their line up. OKC losing Westbrook is like the Lumineers losing that guy that plays tambourine on the choruses. I mean, what… what would they do without that guy? They’d have to adjust everything. Hey-No.
Chandler Goodman – Contender: If you had asked me when I woke up, despite their commanding 3-1 lead over Oklahoma City, I might have said pretender. But then this morning I learned from Zach Lowe that Mike Conley Jr.shot 47% on isolation plays and scored 1.01 points per possession in those instances this season! Guys…47% on isolation plays!! 1.01 PPP!!! If that doesn’t SCREAM contender, I don’t know what does!
Sabine – Contender: Z-Bo and Gasol are like a buddy cop movie, Tony Allen can guard anyone in the league, and they are undefeated in the Grindhouse. Why not Memphis? Plus they have Justin Timberlake on their side and history says don’t bet against Justin. This team is a contender.
Chris Trew – Contender: Marc Gasol is looking like an ole’ Grizzly himself if you get what I’m saying. He gets more rebounds than my uncle and my uncle is pretty good at getting rebounds. I’m starting to wonder if Marc is actually a grizzly bear himself because we all know how clutch grizzly bears are. Contender! Roar!
2) The New York Knicks
Gallagher – Pretender: This classic jam says it all when it comes to the New York Knicks. In fact, just give it a listen while you read the rest of the answers regarding NY.
Westbrook – Pretender: NY looked decent and promising last series. Like when the Lumineers start “Hey-Ho” on TV and you think “This song sounds promising and I’m excited to hear that girl that’s just standing up there playing nothing (with a boom mic stand!) bust out some rad harmony.” Then she just dances around like a doped up pony in her thrift store dress and sings the melody instead while that Domino’s delivery lead singer paints his possessive love story for us.
Goodman – Pretender: Because J.R. Smith is currently making 3s at a Chandler Goodman-esque clip.
Sabine – Pretender: If they advance…and that’s a big IF, they have to face beast-mode Miami Heat. An inefficient Carmelo is not going to beat a LeBron James who is only doing finishing moves. The Knicks are Pretenders like that old NBC show.
Trew – Pretender: J.R. Smith is looking like ole’ S.R. Smith (as in SENIOR SMITH) if you know what I mean (S.R. like SENIOR). He’s missing more shots than my grandfather and my grandfather (a senior citizen) is pretty bad at basketball. I’m starting to wonder if J.R. stands for “Janet Reno” because we all know how terrible she probably is at basketball. Pretender! Sheesh!
Gallagher – Avenger: He’s dating Natalie Portman in the movie. You know who else dated Natalie Portman in a movie? Anakin Skywalker! That guy was all about avenging things. He killed a village of sand people to avenge his mother’s death. Also… he just really hates sand because… “It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.” Anakin – Thor – AVENGER!
Westbrook – Avenger: This dude has a score to settle and there’s no stopping him. No. Stopping. Him. Like, who can stop him? Who’s going to stop the Lumineers? When will we be done with garbage disguised in fedoras and estate sale guitars?
Goodman – Avenger!: I’ve never seen Thor, and know nothing of him, but Wikipedia had me at, “Hammer-wielding god associated with thunder, lightning, storms, oak trees, strength, the protection of mankind, and also hallowing, healing and fertility.”
Sabine – Avenger: God from the Realm of Asgard. His hammer and his might would still have problems with LeBron right now. I am pretty sure LeBron is the villain in the next Avengers movie actually. Dude is scary.
Trew – Avenger: Remember that time Otis Thorpe held the ball like a grapefruit in the 1994 playoffs? Pretend like he doesn’t have a first name and the “p” and “e” fell off his last. Now imagine Thor holding the ball like a grapefruit in one hand and a sword (or whatever) in his other. Definitely an Avenger. Avenger!