2013-2014 NBA Season Preview: The Southwest Division

Southwest-Division Cover

It’s Ballerball’s week-long 2013-2014 NBA season preview with Chandler Goodman, Ryan Weisert, Mark Colomb, John Sabine, Tyler Parker and Jason Gallagher.  Check out the rest of our season previews: Central, Southeast, Atlantic, Northwest, Pacific

Memphis Grizzlies

1. Grizzlies minority owner, Justin Timberlake’s recently released a song called “TKO.”  We have solid proof that this song is about a statistical formula developed by VP of Bball relations, John Hollinger.  After listening, what do you think TKO stands for and how will the Memphis Grizzlies be using this stat in the 2013-2014 season?  

Parker: Tony Korn Outs. Essentially it’s moments that Tony Allen requests that the game ops staff for the Grizzlies play Korn to allow the Grindhouse to “Korn out”. The +/- post-Korn out will be a huge thing to watch for the Grizz this season.

Sabine: TKO stands for “Turnovers, Klutch-Offensive.” Its when Tony Allen steals the ball and passes it to Z-BO with less than 2 minutes left in a game.

Weisert: Total Kosta Odor. The Grizzlies acquired Kosta Koufos from the Denver Nuggets not only because of his size and defense, but also because Kosta’s non-traditional deodorant choices have been statistically proven to decrease opponents’ FG% in the paint.

Colomb: Tickles, kisses, and oodles of hugs. It’s the secret of a winning team. If you don’t share tickles, kisses, and oodles of hugs you just won’t win (pictures Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph kissing).

Goodman:  Time Krispy-Kreme Opens.  5 minutes before TKO will be when Zach Randolph’s team-assigned, contractually-agreed-upon “nutritional advisor” (food bodyguard) shows up at his house.


Dallas Mavericks

2. Name the three rules of “Monta-Ball.”

Parker: 1.  Shoot.   2.  Yo, shoot that.  3.  Never forget you are better than Dirk Nowitzki is and should you ever play on a team with him make sure he realizes that immediately by you never passing him the ball.

Sabine: 1. Monta 2.  Monta  3. Monta

Weisert: 1. Catch  2. Shoot 3. Have it all (make or miss)

Colomb: 1. Mopeds  2. Delusion  3. Teamwork

Goodman: 1. You can’t make a shot you don’t take. 2. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the ability of the dog to remain confident in their shot-making ability despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. 3. Passing is for girls.


New Orleans Pelicans

3. Who will have the ball in his hands with the game on the line, between Jrue Holiday, Tyreke Evans and Eric Gordan?   Also, who will cut the Pelicans Thanksgiving Day Turkey, between Jrue Holiday, Tyreke Evans and Eric Gordan?  (To make it easier on our readers, please submit and use a celeb couple super name when referring to  Jrue Holiday, Tyreke Evans, and Eric Gordan?  (Example: Brad Pitt + Angelina Jolie = Brangelina)

Parker: Jrue Holiday to the first question. He’s the All-Star. Jrue Holiday to the second question. Eric Gordon gets hurt too easily to be near knives and I don’t acknowledge Tyreke Evans existence.  Celeb couple super- name:  Thosethreeguysthatwillhateeachotherbytheendoftheyear

Sabine: I’m just concerned if the Pelicans know that they need a point guard. But I think its a tie between Jrue and Tyreke or “Jrueke” did I do it right? Can I have my kids back?

Weisert: Celebrity name: RekeRicRue (the noise that Spanish roosters make.)

With the game on the line and one big shot to take, RekeRicRue will take turns…passing the ball to Ryan Anderson. As for who will carve the turkey, I’ll go with Eric Gordon. He’ll cut himself just to sit out for a few weeks.

Colomb: I blacked out reading this question. What is “Video Killed the Radio Star” by The Buggles?

Goodman: Game on the line, whoever receives the inbounds pass between Jrue, Gordon and Tyreke is inevitably committing a brutal turnover taking the final shot. At Thanksgiving, whoever first touches the carving knife is stabbing the other two in order to get more touches carving the bird. Their celebrity nickname is When You Have 3 Lead Guards, You Have No Lead Guards Tyriciday


San Antonio Spurs

4. The Spurs will be good, again, so let’s go in a different direction with this question.  Let’s say you just opened an ice cream shop and you got a Yelp review from Gregg Popovich.  What do you think that review would say?

Parker: (Stares at computer screen for 15 minutes.) No pecan praline. Zero stars.

Sabine: “Ice Cream. White Guy”

Weisert: “I went with salted caramel, unpeeled kiwi, yellow gummy bears, some Oreo dust, and pistachios. It wasn’t sexy, but it was deliciously effective. Thanks to the owners of Cold Bro Creamery for staying out of my way.” FourRingsAndTwoGs

Colomb:  “Two stars. Soft, bad handles, no shot” – XGreggyBronieSparkelMagicX

Goodman:  “I know rocky roads. I’ve traveled their paths. They wind through Jerry Sloan’s Utah and are littered with devastating picks and rolls. What I ate today was no rocky road.”


Houston Rockets

5. Pretend you’re Omer Asik and you can only speak in GIF files.  How does backing up Dwight Howard make you feel?

Parker: Asik


Mark: emma-annoyed


Weisert: Rogen GIF


Sabine:  nikki minaj


Goodman: i-feel-like-im-taking-crazy-pills


Follows: @theballerball@mark_cool_um@_tkparker@spectavius@jsabine214jgallagher41, and suchagoodman.


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