2013-2014 NBA Season Preview: The Southeast Division

Southeast-Division- Cover


It’s Ballerball’s week-long 2013-2014 NBA season preview with Chandler Goodman, Ryan Weisert, Mark Colomb, John Sabine, Tyler Parker and Jason Gallagher.  Stay tuned all week for our coverage of every single NBA team, conference-by-conference. 


Time for the Southeast Division to take center stage. The big questions as always is LeBron. Can LeBron LeBron his way to the LeBron while still facing the challenges of LeBron. If LeBron can LeBron again this year look for The LeBron’s to Lerbron it yet again. We have run the numbers and it looks like the leader in total LeBrons this year will be LeBron and it isn’t even close. You need a ton of LeBron if you hope to LeBron this season. Historically LeBron has always been able to LeBron and look for another season of full stop LeBron from LeBron and the rest of the LeBrons. Oh, one more thing…LEBRON.   – Moderated by @Mark_Cool_Um


Miami Heat

1. If Chris Bosh is a velociraptor what sort of dinosaur is LeBron and why?

Parker: You know that dinosaur that stepped on the face of that other dinosaur in Tree of Life? Whatever kind of dinosaur the face stepping one was. Also, for real, what was that scene supposed to mean? That was so stupid. The girl two seats down from me in the theater thought so, too. I came to see Brad Pitt be Sean Penn’s dad. I don’t have time for this. Either make the movie about Pitt and Penn or just give me two hours of Chastain chasing a butterfly. Anything else is unacceptable.

Gallagher: I actually had a dream about a dinosaur the night of Game 6 of the Finals.  He was like a T-Rex but with like huge biceps.  He had spikes on his tail and he shot lasers out of his eyes.  He also breathes fire, spits rockets, and when that headband comes off… WATCH OUT!

Weisert: LeBron is the terrifying behemoth that Baby from the TGIF sitcom Dinosaurs grew up to be. This is why every time he throws down a thunderous dunk he whispers, “Not the mama” under his breath.

Sabine: LeBron is Denver, the last Dinosaur because he’s our friend and a whole lot more.

Goodman: What kind of dinosaur was so big, fast & strong that it took its receding hairline to remind you that it was even a dinosaur at all? LeBron would be that kind of dinosaur.


Atlanta Hawks

2. Without looking it up who is a member of The Atlanta Hawks…. Elton Brand, Antawn Jamison, or Andre Miller?

Parker: Elton “Hahahahaha” Brand.

Gallagher: I am an NBA analyst and, once again, I refuse to partake in this hoo-ha.  If I had to say the answer, you better believe I could.  I won’t give you all the pleasure though.  I am a respected journalist.  The answer is so easy.  I could say it with my eyes closed, ears covered, and family kidnapped… but I’m not going to do it.  Pass (by choice, because I know it.)

Weisert: For Al Horford’s sake, I hope it’s none of the above. But I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s Elton Brand. GM Danny Ferry is gunning for the compensatory draft pick the Hawks are due if Brand suddenly turns to stone on the bench during a game in mid-February.

Sabine: Is this a trick? Is it all the above? Don’t all NBA players have to play for the Atlanta Hawks at least once? Isn’t it part of the new CBA?

Goodman: The better question is, “which one of these guys sneakily retired in the offseason but you’ll only realize when he suddenly pops up as an Open Court guest on NBATV?”


Washington Wizards

3. Your best guess. What does Nene’ mean in Portuguese?

Parker: He who smiles, like, the biggest smile in the world…

Gallagher: Double Horse Noise! (i’m ashamed)

Weisert: It means “not good enough to have just one name.” Look at Leandro Barbosa. He fully acknowledges what he is, and doesn’t sully the great Brazilian tradition of Pele, Ronaldo, and Kristao, this stripper I met in Vegas who could…um…let’s just say she was worthy of one name.

Sabine: If we’re being realistic, most likely a back-up center.

Goodman: Probably “expected to return in 4-6 weeks”


Charlotte Bobcats

4. Patrick Ewing is an assistant coach with your Charlotte Bobcats. Describe his daily duties with the team.

Parker:  “Glad you asked, Pat. Sorry. Thought we’d discussed your role previously. You’re literally just going to sit in your office all day and watch this on a loop. That’s it. Please don’t do anything else or I will fire you. Also never email me again. 


Gallagher: The day is really divided into 3 parts:

9:00 am –  Morning gambling w/ MJ

12:oopm – Lunch

1:00pm –  Afternoon/evening gambling w/ MJ

Weisert: Daily schedule

5:30 am – Wake up and remove shaving cream from face.
5:40 am – Text MJ “Nice one, got me again” for 37th day in a row.
8:30 am – Dribbling in place with Bismack Biyombo (right hand).
9:30 am – Dribbling in place with Bismack Biyombo (left hand).
11:00 am – Leave John Starks an angry voicemail.
11:05 am – Send apologetic text to John Starks’ mother.
1:00 pm – Continue preparing elaborate plan to frame Reggie Miller for murder
3:00 pm – Crank out five pages for his screenplay “The Return of Patrick Chewing”
4:00 pm – Watch Al Jefferson practice not passing the ball
5:30 pm – Pick up MJ from the golf course
6:00 pm – Continue counting down the days until Head Coach Steve Clifford is fired.

Sabine: Daily Schedule

9:00am to 11:00am– Helping Al Jefferson with jump shot

11:00 am to 11:30am – Break

11:30am to 5:00pm– Getting made fun of by Jordan.

8:00pm to Sleep– Candy Crush.

Goodman: His daily routine consists primarily of:

1. Post-move demonstrations

2. Elbow jumper tutorials

3. Telling insane Charles Oakley stories.


Orlando Magic

5. It’s tough to get excited about this year’s Orlando Magic team. Your cousin Ed just got you a job in their marketing department after you flunked out at Florida State. Your first task is to create a new team slogan. What is it?

Parker: Magic Tyler


Gallagher: Magic Jason


Weisert: Magic Ryan


Sabine: Magic John


Goodman: Magic Chandler


Follows: @theballerball@mark_cool_um@_tkparker@spectavius@jsabine214,jgallagher41, and suchagoodman.

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