It’s Ballerball’s week-long 2013-2014 NBA season preview with Chandler Goodman, Ryan Weisert, Mark Colomb, John Sabine, Tyler Parker and Jason Gallagher. Stay tuned all week for our coverage of every single NBA team, conference-by-conference.
Grab your family and hug them tightly because it’s time to dial in to the Pacific Division. It’s a whacky season with the Lakers and Kings battling it out for the coveted “Worst team in Cali!” title. Also, which team will let down their fan base the hardest, the Clippers or Warriors? Also, the Suns exist. All that and more in the Pacific Division Season Preview. – Moderated by @jsabine214
Los Angeles Clippers
1. Blake Griffin has said that with addition of Doc Rivers, “Lob City” is probably dead. Fill in the blank, the 2013-2014 Clippers are “_______ City.”
Colomb: Vinnie’s City. I know he’s gone but if we can’t take time out of a season preview to make fun of Vinny Del Negro what is the point of anything?
Goodman: “Sprite City, brought to you by the Kia Optima and Subway footlongs, the training sandwich of Foot Locker shoppers and Jordan brand dunkers everywhere”
Weisert: Let’s be clear, Doc has to be spontaneous and original in everything he does. Whether it’s out of bounds plays or team slogans, he never repeats something that’s been done before. That’s why the Clippers’ new slogan is Ubuntu-ville. So fresh.
Parker: Schwaub City. Until someone can stump him he owns all the cities. (This answer was provided by Blythe Haaga. She dates me and loves the Clippers.)
Gallagher: Yeah, Blake is right. Lob City is for children….. LOB NATION!!!!!! (GET UP, EVERYONE!)
2. My college roommate Joe Novotny is a great dude and a die hard Suns fan. He is in Africa eradicating Malaria. He’s dope. Give something Joe can look forward to about the 2013-2014 Phoenix Suns. Anything.
Colomb: Phoenix’s vaunted training staff. If they can’t help him cure malaria I don’t know who could.
Goodman: Rousing games of “Guess which Morris twin just got that garbage time rebound?”
Weisert: Robert Sarver will sell the Suns and donate the profits to combating malaria in Africa. (This is Phoenix we’re talking about. Nothing good ever happens there. So if all we can do is dream, we might as well dream big.)
Parker: Dude, Eric Bledsoe is such a good time! He’s a monster! He’ll do so many fun things! He can jump so high and he’s one of the five most athletic point guards in the league! And he’ll be wearing sleeves, some!! Yeah huh!!!!
“Dragic Ball Z” via @marco_romo
Los Angeles Lakers
3. Name the Date! On what Date and under what circumstances does Kobe murder Nick Young?
Colomb: February 16th, 2014. It will be at the All Star Game after a night of betting at Mikhail Prokhorov’s illegal panda fights goes horribly wrong. Kobe does not allow people to welch on their bets. What a competitor!
Goodman: Sunday, November 10th vs. Minnesota. A frustrated Young gets booed off the court after having a turnaround 3 simultaneously blocked into the third row by two Wolves. At halftime, he steals a Kobe jersey from the supply room and tries to check in the game as #24 to experience the high of that ovation. He basks in it. Kobe drowns him in a Powerade cooler at the TV timeout.
Weisert: November 17th. When a server crash at ESPN.com temporarily ranks Swaggy P over the Black Mamba in #NBARank, Kobe will drive his yellow Lambo to Young’s condo and choke the life out of him.
Parker: 12-25-2013. Nick Young, sensing the affection of the country rushing toward him, chucks up 30 shots on Christmas Day against the Heat including what would’ve been the game winning shot, had it not been air balled. When Kobe tried to go get the ball from Young prior to him firing it up, Young waved him off. Swaggy.
Gallagher: January 1st, 2013 at 3:00 am. It’s the Lakers New Years Eve Bash-a-Palooza at Pau Gasol’s house. Swaggy P is singing “Baby! It’s 3:00 am, I must be lonely” because he thinks it’s really hilarious. He then turns and see’s Kobe standing by a fireplace with Celine Dion. Swaggy stumbles over to Kobe and jokingly sings “Mamba! It’s 3:00 am I must be twenty-fiiiiifth!” Thirty seconds later, Kobe does work.
4. Ok. Jimmer Fredette and DeMarcus Cousins star in an 80’s buddy cop movie. What is the title and the plot?
Colomb: Was there a memo about this question? Did we need it in all our season previews? I feel like I missed it. “Terms of Endearment”? Was that a comedy? I may be getting it confused with “Stake Out”. I’m running out of steam.
Goodman: It’s called “Back on D” and it’s about two hot shot young cops who get cocky and overplay their hands trying to nail a drug bust. Instead, they find themselves back in uniforms and patrolling the streets, where they rediscover what made them great in college the first place. In the process, they stumble on the lead they were looking for the whole time. Hilarious and an important lesson to be learned!
Weisert: Sac-Town Boogie: When the mob tries muscle in on his dub-step club, DeMarcus turns to Jimmer, a young, pasty detective who isn’t afraid to shoot first and ask questions later.
Parker: Let’s Boogie
Two down on their luck cops, one with a mean streak, Hatchet Jumell (played by Cousins) and one who’s a little too trusting, Lazarus Pioli (played by Fredette), team up to take down the empire of Bennie “Fuzz” Skillian, a mogul who’s parlayed a successful zipper factory into being in charge of the biggest coke ring in all of California. What’s more, Fuzz is working on getting in with the Cartel. If Pioli and Jumell don’t act fast, he’ll be untouchable. Fuzz, a lover of parties, has just taken his earnings and bought a new dance club, Icy, on the north side of Sacramento. Pioli and Jumell go undercover and get jobs as bouncers at Icy, but Fuzz grows suspicious. Will he find out their true identities? Or will Pioli and Jumell hit him where it hurts? Who knows? In the meantime, Let’s Boogie.
Gallagher: Kings of the Jungle – Jimmer and Boogie are a couple of newbie cops and are always assigned to the lamest cases. When they are given the case of the missing puppy, they soon realize that the puppy kidnapping business is no game and is linked all the way to… THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES (played by Zooey Deschanel).
Golden State Warriors
5. Drinking Game! Every time an analyst says “You know what? I think Andre Iguodala is really going to help the Warriors.” you have to take a shot. What alcohol do you pick and why?
Colomb: CHAMPAGNE because my dubs are going to win the NBA Championship this year. All we need is a great year from Curry’s ankle, a full season of Bogut, strong tough play from David Lee, and… oh… man… that isn’t happening is it?
Goodman: Peach Schnapps. Gotta go with something light on the booze or I won’t make it all season. Plus, it’s delicious!
Weisert: Red Bull. I’m falling asleep during west coast games as it is. Iguodala can only make the Warriors less interesting because every second he has the ball is a second Steph Curry does not. Plus who really wants to watch great 1-on-1 defense at 11:30 EST?
Parker: Mike’s Hard Lemonade. It will happen a lot and Mike’s is low enough in alcohol content that I won’t be a stumbling Nolte-ian mess at the end of it all. Plus, you know, it’s always the right time for a Mike’s.
Gallagher: In the spirit of proclaiming obvious things… I’ll go with Coors Lite’s new “Blue Bottle” that turns blue when it’s cold enough to drink. Life was super rough before that blue bottle came out.