It’s Ballerball’s week-long 2013-2014 NBA season preview with Chandler Goodman, Ryan Weisert, Mark Colomb, John Sabine, Tyler Parker and Jason Gallagher. Stay tuned all week for our coverage of every single NBA team, conference-by-conference.
The Northwest is crazy. It’s insane. It’s Chapelle. Not really, he was right. It’s not cool to call people crazy. Stop questioning minds. You don’t get to just call someone beyond sanity. Sorry. Let’s get back to it.
The Thunder currently reign but, yo, the Timberwolves are interesting. Super interesting. So are the Nuggets. The Blazers, too. The Jazz are going to be so bad but maybe Favors and Kanter and Burke can raise eyebrows? Maybe. I don’t know.
But the Thunder and the Wolves and the Nuggets will be going toe to toe to toe throughout the season, vying for love and joy and wins. The Great Oregonian Beard and his Spaniard counterpart are back healthy and ready to challenge. Kevin Durant has another offseason to get a little less nice and Westbrook now has something to prove. The Nuggets no longer have Iggy BUT THEY DO HAVE LITTLE NATE.
Durant, Westbrook, Love, Rubio, Aldridge, Lawson, Favors…what a good time the Northwest Division will be. Let’s get into the pressing questions. Super pressing. Rap game Nolan Richardson. – Moderated by @_tkparker
Oklahoma City Thunder
Russell Westbrook is a noted fashion enthusiast. Consider this scenario: Westbrook arrives to the post game press conference without a shirt on. He is, however, wearing a pair of black leather pants and some red, Louis Vuitton slippers. What question do you ask him and what is his response?
Gallagher: “Sweet slippers. Are those from ‘The Gap?'”
Weisert: Russ, if you click your heels together three times will a twister whisk you away to hipster Kansas? “Nah man, you got it backwards. This room is Kansas. When I click these kicks together, my driver swoops me up and takes me to Oz, this high stakes Baccarat and Jenga club downtown.
Goodman: “Russell, why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” “Funny you ask, because I paid $20,000 to have a custom-made dress shirt fashioned with total verisimilitude to my bare chest.”
Colomb: How did you settle on those slippers basketball star Russell Westbrook? His response? Something like this.
Sabine: “Russell, I notice you are wearing an Autumn when you normally wear a Spring. Do you care to comment?” “No do not care to comment. Stop trying to put fashion in a box so you can understand it better. Fashion is a living breathing organism like the tides, or the flame. Now why don’t you ask me something relevant like why I shoot more than Durant.”
Two parter: You’re allowed only one buddy comedy movie to use as a metaphor for the Kevin Love-Ricky Rubio partnership. Which is it? Also, what dog does Ricky Rubio most look like? Please provide picture.
Gallagher: I think it’s Toy Story with Love as Woody and Rubio as Buzz Lightyear. Much like Woody, Love is the existing hero who gets injured sometimes. He is forced to live with the newcomer, Rubio – who like Buzz – thinks he’s something that he’s not. It’s up to Love to remind Ricky that even though he wasn’t what he thought he was, he can totally be a hero, just like Buzz. Ricky and Buzz get injured sometimes too.
Weisert: Ricky Rubio and Kevin Love are Adam Sandler and Damon Wayans fromBulletproof. Ricky is Sandler because he has a heart of gold and often serenades Kevin with Whitney Houston ballads. Love is Wayans because they both understand the value of sharp wit and knuckle pushups. If Rubio were a dog he’d be this dog because he’s practiced dribbling two basketballs at a time since he was a pup…
Goodman: Superbad, but with Love playing both Seth (Rogen) and Evan (Michael Cera) and Rubio serving only – and awesomely – as McLovin.
Colomb: K9 – because Rubio is like Jim Belushi. He is inexplicably popular. I can’t stand either of them.
Sabine: “Running Scared” because Flip Saunders will be running fun but ineffective plays to make them happy because he’s scared they might (will definitely) leave.
Nate Robinson has moved to the Denver Nuggets and he needs a nickname other than Little Nate, because that’s too obvious, or Kryptonite, because that’s too stupid and it gives Dwight Howard way too much credit. Please offer up your new nickname for Robinson and the reason you picked it.
Gallagher: This is lame, but he should totally start going by his real name, Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson. That’s his awesome real name. It’s more badass than any nickname I can come up with.
Weisert: Nate’s new nickname is Power Hour. He packs a lot of athleticism into a tiny frame and fills up the box score in just a few minutes. His play is always intoxicating and sometimes nauseating.
Goodman: Fear Factor, because I imagine Nate Robinson was/is really into the show Fear Factor. Just seems like it would be up his alley, ya know?
Colomb: Short guy???? I have never been good with nicknames. Now and Later Nater? Ugh? I’m sorry. I can’t.
Sabine: In 1976 the Winter Olympics were awarded to Denver but a 300 percent rise in costs and worries about the environmental impact led Denver to withdraw their bid. The games were then awarded to Innsbruck Austria. The mascot for the 1976 games was snowman named “Schneemann”. Nate Robinson’s nickname should be “Schneemann”.
Derrick Favors last name is Favors. How many times will you have to stop yourself from making a “sexual favors” pun when writing a column on either Favors or the Jazz?
Gallagher: For the one time I write about the Jazz (now), I’ll be sure to steer clear of making that joke…. Ah, what the hell. Sexual Favors. That was great. Put me down for one pun joke.
Weisert: Um…I write for BallerBall. That means I don’t EVER censor myself when I think of a tasty pun. Do yourself a favor and embrace the form, my friend. See what I did there?
Goodman: Why would I make “sexual favors” puns when there are so many “Penis Kanter” jokes available in the same frontcourt?
Colomb: Zero. This team is so boring there is no reason to write about them. Who would even read that? Isn’t the internet banned in Utah? It’s like China, right?
Sabine: Zero. Are people writing about Utah now? Adorbs.
Portland Trail Blazers
LaMarcus Aldridge has appeared in the television show Portlandia as Penny Marshall’s boyfriend. Please provide at least five lines of back and forth dialogue for each of them as an example of what their conversations on set were like in between filming.
Gallagher:Penny: How’s the post game, hun? LaMarcus: I told you, I’ve been workin’ on it. Penny: Workin’ ain’t good enough. Need results, kid. (*cough cough*) LaMarcus: Lots of people like my post-game, you know. Penny: Look, putz. I didn’t come to your doorstep, when you were 6 years old to recruit a protege who “people like.” I came to you to find a champion. (*cough cough*) LaMarcus: I’m tryin’, Penny. Penny: Tryin’? You think tryin’ cuts it in the middle east? No. We need results. Now back to work. LaMarcus: Yes, Penny.
Weisert:Penny: Thanks for doing this. I think this is gonna be really funny. LMA: Oh it’s all good. I’m honored Fred would ask me to be here. By the way, I wanted to tell you I’m a huge fan of Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve. Penny: Oh that’s nice. I’ll pass that along to my brother, Garry. LMA: Oh is he a fan too? Penny: Well they’re not his best work, but I’m sure he still likes both films. LMA: Wait, I’m confused. Are you Laverne or Shirley?
Goodman:LaMarcus: I’m sure you get this all the time, but are you the lady from Nash Bridges? Penny: Excuse me? LaMarcus: Nash Bridges. Are you the lady from Nash Bridges? Penny: You mean Laverne & Shirley? LaMarcus: No, I mean Nash Bridges. Penny: You mean Happy Days? LaMarcus: No, I mean Nash Bridges. Penny: You mean the Mary Tyler Moore Show? LaMarcus: No, I mean Nash Bridges. Did you play Iris Heller during season 3, episode 16 of Nash Bridges? Penny: You recognize me from my one episode of Nash Bridges? LaMarcus: I love Nash Bridges.
Colomb:Penny: You smoke? LMA: You look like an angry scarecrow. Penny: Funny kid. That reminds me of something Tom Hanks said on the set of “League of Their Own”. LMA: You know Forrest Gump? Penny: What’s that? LMA: Life is like a box of chocolates. Penny: You smoke?
Sabine:LMA: Laverne? Penny: Hmm? LMA: I just thought of something awful. Penny: What? LMA: Some day, God willing, I’m gonna be a father. And if my daughtercomes to me and says, Papa, I want to go to this bachelor party and come outta this cake… what can I tell her? Penny: A lot more than most fathers! Follows: @theballerball, @mark_cool_um, @_tkparker, @spectavius, @jsabine214,jgallagher41, and suchagoodman.