It’s Ballerball’s week-long 2013-2014 NBA season preview with Chandler Goodman, Ryan Weisert, Mark Colomb, John Sabine, Tyler Parker and Jason Gallagher. Stay tuned all week for our coverage of every single NBA team, conference-by-conference.
The Atlantic may only be a Top 3 ocean, but it certainly ranks much higher among NBA divisions. It’s home to some of the most storied franchises in sports from the Boston Celtics to the New York Knickerbockers. And who can forget about the Toronto Raptors?
Everyone. Literally everyone, at some point in their life, forgets the Toronto Raptors exist. They’re Canadian. Their mascot is a quasi-fictional dinosaur. And the most famous former member of their team looks like a chicken. In the face of those facts, forgetting about them seems like the most logical move. But don’t let the Maple Dinosaurs discourage you from reading this preview. This is still a top notch set of teams. And the Brooklyn Nets. – Moderated by @spectavius
1. Let’s admit it. The “BROOOOOK-LYN, BROOOOOK-LYN” chant is the worst in sports. By far. Even the mildly-to-incredibly racist Tomahawk Chop looks down on that garbage. Given the Nets location in the bohemian capital of the world, their recent influx of Hall of Fame veterans, and their indisputable ties to mother Russia, there has to be better option. Give us your best alternative (videos are acceptable.)
Sabine: Brooklyn Chant “I’m so ovvverrrrr basketball lets grooowwww mustaches and put fruit in whiskyyyyy”
Goodman: Maybe in big moments Mikhail can provide Nets fans with the means to follow along the lines of these old comrades
Parker: VIIIIIIIIIIIINTAAAAAAAGE, VIIIIIIIIIIIIINTAAAAAAAAGE
Gallagher: This seems hip enough, and if the fans ever need to turn on their billionaire…
Colomb: I of course default to russian faux lesbian super group Tatu’s “All The Things She Said”. Without them do we end up with Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl” and without that song do we end up with pop sensation Katy Perry? This video was on MTV at one point and I don’t feel comfortable watching it without switching over to incognito mode in Chrome.
New York Knicks
2. Bill Simmons has a theory that NBA teams can abide one knucklehead, but when a team has two or more, they start hanging out together and chaos ensues. From that perspective, the Knicks signing Metta World Peace might be the greatest thing ever to happen to BallerBall. To celebrate their union and the inevitable comedic offspring, give us a short synopsis of a movie starring MWP and J.R. entitled Queensbridge.
Sabine: New York City. America’s Playground. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere, right? J.R. Smith runs the city but Metta World Peace is new in town and he’s not there to make friends. Guest starring Channing Tatum.
Goodman: In 2097, the world’s biggest commercial space ship, the Queensbridge, is set for its maiden voyage to the moon. JR Smith plays “JR,” a charming kid from the wrong side of the tracks who puts every dollar he has into a ticket in the vessel’s lower cabins. During the flight, he falls madly in love with the wife of “Metta World Peace,” an eccentric millionaire played by Metta World Peace. Metta’s wife happens to have a very rare diamond with her. That’s kinda neither here nor there, but just know that. Eventually, the ship hits an asteroid while JR and the lady are fogging up the windows of a tiny space ship that is docked onboard. He dies in the wreckage, but she lives to write her granddaughter a super inappropriate and slightly tawdry letter about the whole affair. YOU GOTTA SEE IT.
Parker: New York Knicks backups Metta World Peace and J.R. Smith are ready for Game 7 of the NBA Finals, but Davidius Sturnn, evil business tycoon, has other plans. He’s going to blow up the Queensbridge projects to make room for a new super mall. Can Metta and J.R. stop Sturnn and get back to play in the game? Or will their championship hopes be blown up along with Queensbridge? Coming this Christmas.
Jason: JR Smith is a young reporter who is looking to make a name for himself. He investigates a closed case that he followed closely as a child. The case was a series of murders by someone who’s prey was young couples. His weapon of choice was a large metal pipe. The pipe was never found. The town has forgotten about this, but JR has not. His obsession starts to worry his wife, played by Zooey Deschanel.
Metta World Peace is an old, grizzled veteran police officer who worked on the case years ago. Being a cop for so long has made him numb to the crime world and this town. He always smells of whiskey and gasoline
JR Smith is sent a package in the mail that says “To one of the good ones” that contains a large metal pipe. Metta doesn’t like JR getting involved in his case, so he goes to his house. When JR opens the door, Metta grabs him and yells “You’re in way over your head, kid!” Scared but confident, JR responds to Metta…
Colomb: MWP and J.R. have to go undercover at a prominent investment banking firm for the SEC in order to avoid a serious fine for riding their mini-bikes without helmets. They end up in a world that moves too fast, too quickly. They end up in too deep. With no where to turn can they make it out of this high powered cat and mouse game? Find out this summer in “Queensbridge”.
3. The Philadelphia 76ers seem to have done all they can to be the NBA version of Rocky. No one knows who they are (seriously I can’t name a single player on that roster.) A history of bad decisions has left them down on their luck. And their coach works in a meat packing plant on the side. Which Rocky movie do you think the Sixers are in and why?
Sabine: Rocky and Bullwinkle
Goodman: Which Rocky purposely sucked so much that it had the maximum possible chance to draft Andrew Wiggins in the next movie? That one.
Parker: They’re in Rocky V. They’ve got a storied past. Championships. MVP’s. Transcendent performances (Dr. J, Barkley, AI). But this year there will only be moral victories. Even if they win a brawl in an alley in front of the old neighborhood against a new upstart they helped create (the Pelicans maybe?), they’re still going to matter very little in the grand scheme of things.
Jason: “Rocky 10 – In 4D!” with a new re-casted Rocky played by C.T. from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
Colomb: Rocky 5 because I will watch them once and then never again.
4. The Fraternity of Boston Head Coaches is a secret society with a history dating all the way back to Red Auerbach. Long-time member Claude Julien has a Stanley Cup. New Inductee John Farrell is in the World Series. And current Fraternity President Bill Belichick has three Super Bowl rings. New Celtics coach Brad Stevens is taking over a team featuring Kris Humphries AND Gerald Wallace. His most exciting young player is a Canadian with a ponytail. What kind of hazing ritual do Belichick and the boys have in store for Stevens?
Sabine: They throw him in the bay, then get a keg of Sam Adams and watch “The Departed”
Goodman: They’re gonna make him walk into a sports bar and talk with a bunch of Pats/Sox/Celts fans all night.
Parker: Bill Belichick will sit court-side for the entire first regular season game doing this. Then, after it rattles Stevens so much that he wants to leave, Belichick will grab him by the arm and do this. Then Farrell will show up and start kissing him on the cheek. Then Julien will show up and start kissing his hands. Then Auerbach sends in his ghost to hot box the place, all the while it’s just raining kisses.
Gallagher: It’s the same as every new person Boston coach. Stevens will become the new liaison between Belichick and his family. Simple tasks like relaying information from Bill to his wife and kids. Basically just acknowledging their presence.
Colomb: The newest member of TFBHC is forced to cut all the sleeves off Belichick’s sweatshirts and get everyone coffee from dunkin before monthly meetings in the basement of the home Mark Wahlberg grew up in.
5. My favorite type of writing prompt is one that starts with a fantastical and/or ridiculous premise. Something that could never ever happen in reality. Like ever. Prompt: The Toronto Raptors have just won the 2014 NBA title. Who is the happiest person on the planet and who is the angriest?
Sabine: The happiest will be the Raptor’s only celebrity fan Drake! He’ll probably right a lazy rap about it! The angriest would be the corpse of Dr. James Naismith, who would twerk in his grave if a Canadian team wins the NBA Championship.
Goodman: The happiest person would be the GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs, who would naturally assume that the Raptors unexpected success would distract his team’s fans from the fact that the Leafs have only made the playoffs once in the last eight years. The angriest person would be a 12-million person tie between all Maple Leafs fans who just want to know “What’s an NBA and how is that supposed to make me feel better?”
Parker: Drake is the happiest person on the planet. This guy is the angriest.
Gallagher: The happiest person will probably be Obama because he hates America. The angriest will be Drake enemy #1, Big Ghost Ltd.
Colomb: The happiest person is Claude Darlington the only person who has held season tickets since the inception of the franchise. Ol’ Claude is a normal man he works for Rogers Cable lives in Barrie, a suburb outside of Toronto. It would sure mean a lot to Claude because Claude doesn’t know that one of his arteries is 90% blocked and he will be dead soon. If they don’t win it this year Claude won’t see it. The angriest? Vince Carter. The answer is always Vince Carter. Check that. Vince is the most apathetic.